Every Time I Look At You

Look at you... just standing there
The whole world still
In the summer air.
I breathe you in,
You hold my soul.
If you could see this world unfold.
Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

I have watched the sun set on your skin
This feeling inside,
Where’ve you been
Moon beams flashed in your eyes tonight
Me and you, wrapped in twightlight
You are the brightest star in my sky,
You are my every reason why.

I have to catch my breath when I see
That face of yours smiling at me
Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

I never knew
This love till now
Just looking at you
You’ve shown me how.
The things that I see,
I’ve never known
I’m down on my knees
Don’t ever go.

Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

Every time...
Don’t you see.
My soul is home.
This is you and me.
Close your eyes, see it too
What I see, when I see you.

It's My Turn

There is that place between sleep and awake, that foggy state of consciousness and dream. That place where dreams wander and thoughts escape with reckless abandon.  That is a place where souls are free and dancing on moonbeams is common place.  Whispers are soaked with sweetness, and pleas are heard by forces too great to comprehend.  That is the place where one is safe in a home gifted to us by our soul’s intentions.  A place to just let it all be...

That is where I wished for you; where I prayed.

And here I stand, in great serendipitous wonder of how this love could be.

I heard it first inside my soul and I whispered it out loud, carefully, in that moment of realization.

“It’s my turn.”

It’s my turn...

Joy Should Be Anything But Quiet

It's not always easy, this whole moving forward thing... especially when you don't trust in yourself.  Thing is, kids, I am not talking about me this time... but there is someone that needs to hear this. 

Just because you've decided to move forward, doesn't mean you've done something wrong.  It just means you've chosen to be happy.  And your joy doesn't need to be a secret. That's like hiding under an umbrella in the glorious sun after the rain.

Turn your face towards the sun, and let the shadows fall behind.

It's Possible

"Do you think it's possible to hang onto this feeling?  For years, I mean.  Do you think, after a ton of years, you can look at who you are with, and still think....wow...?"

I've been thinking about it a lot. Over and over.. Stewing it over, brewing it, waiting to write this.

The thing is, I didn't come up with an answer. Not really.

So my answer is...

God, I hope so.

ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh.... They told me so... it's possible.

Stuff... As.Is.

Okay, kids.  It's time for us to talk about some stuff.  That's right... stuff.

I've been doing some thinking over the past couple of months.  It's been a good time of self realization and growth.  It hasn't come without struggle or a little bit of heart ache, but the happiness that has grown within my soul... well.. it's welcome.

For every single part of our lives, there is a time.  There is a time for laughter and tears, a time for love, a time for learning, and a time for growth.  There is, I have learned, also, a time to just be.  There is a time for contented self fulfillment.  This is where I am.  It was hard for me, a real struggle, to just accept that I am "good enough" just as I am.  I don't always need to be better (although everyday I want to be good, and pure intentioned).  It's okay if, for however this time is going to allow, for me to be content.

It's a complete contrast to the year behind me, and it contrasts many of the decisions I made last year.  But the thing is, it's time for me to just enjoy...  Please, if you are disappointed, I don't want to hear it.  If you had other ideas for what path I need to be on right now, thank you, but please, keep it to yourself.  My soul has chosen my path, and it's taking me where I need to be, and more than anything else, in that, I believe.

As I said, I have come to think that there is a reason we are supposed to do things in a certain order.  The decision for me to continue with my university was an unexpected brick wall.  I have decided, now is not the time for me to embark on this, and so, I have decided to leave it alone for a while.  And, I am going to do so without further explanation, guilt, or disappointment in myself.  It's okay, and enough for me to be who I am - as is.  No piece of paper is going to fulfill me and my soul more than this decision to just enjoy my life every single day has done.  And, I have learned, no one will love me less if I just love who I am - University degree of not.

Stuff...

It's time to start living again, in all of life's beautiful facets.  It's time for me to start doing for me.  It's been almost a year now that I threw myself into healing by hiding; hiding in a book, hiding in my children's lives, hiding in running busy, hiding in building walls.  Hell, if you read one post back, it's titled Hiding Out.  It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop looking behind me, and over my shoulder.  It's time to move forward.

It's amazing, I find, what happens when one's eyes become opened.  This is my time to start living again, wide eyed, full of laughter, and ready - for all of it; for all the things that are, as they are, and for everything that might be, or will be.  I am ready to enjoy it all, because I deserve to.

So my friends... that's the stuff.  Love me as is - because this is who I am, and I am happy. As.Is.

I can feel the sun pushing through... the ice is melting.

Hidden Away

I've been thinking about this post for some time.  I have tossed it around, and molded it, and trashed it, and pulled it out, and pondered it and rewritten it again and again... and I have hidden it away.

Hemmingway once said "write hard and clear about what hurts", and I am always telling myself - write from your heart - write with emotion, write with truth.    Well friends... this is raw, fearful, and true.

I am on the heals of a year of the end of things...where did the time go?  It's been a bitch of a time learning, hurting and healing.  I catch myself in moments of longing for companionship and affection, but steal away in fear; in fear of settling, in fear carelessnes, in fear of failing.  I have twisted this all, over and over.  Flipped it, tossed it, pondered, pained, over thought and hidden away.

Here's the thing... I don't know if I know how to love someone enough to be with them.  I don't really know how to go about explaining myself.  Yes, I know how to love.  I love like no one else I have ever known.  When I love someone, I love with all of myself.  I give of myself, maybe even more of myself than I should.  I tend to loose myself in loving.
(*aha! moment*  I hate it when that happens as I type... and I love it all in the same breath)

And when I am alone, and accomplishing good things, even great things, I am acutely aware that I did it alone; and I am quite satisfied with an independent accomplishment.  I tend to be easily crowed, smothered or stifled, and I need time and space on my own.  I do not share well with others anymore.  How does one find balance again? I fear I never will.

Oh but in the kisses, and the touches; the laughter and the joy.  In the moments of silent understanding, of sitting on stairs, of tears, of friendship, and of love... A year ago seems so far gone, and with it the notion that someone out there just might get me.

The list is long.  The heart is longing.

The climb is steep.

In The Shadows

A Full Moon is sneaking up on us.  Soon she'll turn tides, and give hysteria an excuse... But tonight... tonight she quietly hides part herself...still and graceful; lighting paths, leaving parts hidden in shadows, all with good intention. It's inevitable, as time ensures, that she shines full on.  But for tonight, may she take peace in the parts of her that need to stay in the dark.

Even the moon herself has phases that move with time.  You can't force it faster or slower, you can only accept her as she is, and be satisfied with what she has to offer.  I think she's beautiful.  I wonder if she knows that? And I hope she can see what I see, even for a moment.

And wouldn't that be a conversation for the moment?