Last Year Intended...

I am looking for something I wrote a long time ago... and be dammed if I can find it. But I came across last years New Years Intentions, and I thought maybe that might be a good place to take a minute to reflect on the past year.  

I can't believe how different life has become in a year, and what lies ahead. Last December brought me quite a list...Let's see how I did:

Take more pictures. Definitely more pictures. Definitely did this! Check!

Let the found ten pounds be lost again.  Pretty sure I found ten more... ah hell...

Finish the two university courses I am taking, and re-evaluate the timing of this education and it's purpose. Didn't finish them, did re-evaluate, haven't looked back. 

Heal my heart and insecurities. Still working on this despite finding the love of my life. 

More dinners at the dinner table, preceded by grace.  This did not happen. A sign appeared in the kitchen...it's the closest we got to grace. But I think there have been more meals at the table... let's shoot for this one again. 

Rid this house renters and the purpose they fill.  Rid of renters, yes. YES! 

Listen more. Yes. Did, done, doing. 

Slow down...seriously. I think I sped up... 

Write more when it matters. I now write ONLY  when it matters. 

Resolve anger of past betrayals.  It seems I still have some residual floating about. I think this is as resolved as it's ever going to be. I find comfort in knowing there is only one me. 

Bust out the snow shoes before the snow melts. And walk, walk, walk when it's gone.  My poor shoes never made it off the wall last year.  This year, I hope they do. 

Go somewhere with a beach.  A nice beach. And boy did I! 

Three days away... alone.  Still have not managed to accomplish this. 

Trust men other than my father :)  I found one other...

See more plays - without being a character in someone else's. I saw one while in costume, and one other completely as myself.  

Hike more hills - literally, not metaphorically. Slow hiking season... didn't go once. 

Enjoy my life without always having the need for it to be better. Satisfaction is very under estimated. This may very well have been the years best lesson.  I just enjoyed. I just did, and laughed, and loved, and for goodness sakes I loved myself above all else. I was satisfied with just being me. 

With a new year around the corner, and so many changes ahead, it's time to build a new list....

But not today. I have some thinking to do. Where I was, where I am, where will I be...

Like An Old Friend...Without The Friendship

Well didn't November ever come in with a roar? (in a time where I just need some quiet whispers)
I don't really know what's going on inside me right now.  Maybe it's time to be vulnerable, and raw, and let a little bit out... maybe.

Maybe it's time to admit I am scared...terrified really. Scared of all this newness; of this inexperience.  Of this time of learning and spinning in circles not really knowing which way is up. Or down. Or even what is even-steven. Terrified. And it's gotten to me.

It's gotten to me, and I hate it, and I have no idea what to do but hold on tight and hope somewhere it levels out.

It has to level out.  My head is so full, and I am back to fighting demons everyday.  But what a great thing to know the demon...

Like an old friend...without the friendship.

And so it is... and I just need some whispering in the quiet.

Had To Get Out Of My Own Way

So here I am, the last day of my vacation in a country where life is vastly different from what I am used to in my everyday life.  It's been... culturally unforgiving; and the longer I am here, the more it makes me thinks about not only what I have back at home, but what can be different when I return to my everyday life.  I would like to think that I came here and took home with me a lesson of some sort - something that changed me... although I don't know that it has.

Has life become so busy in our realm that the magic of things no longer affects us?

I spent a few hours swimming with an endangered species.  The manatees of Belize are few in number, and still, I had the privilege of sharing their space for some time.  And as magnificent as they were, these ginormous gentle creatures, I found myself saying, "okay, what's next?".  When did I become so deficient in my attention to awe inspiring things? I can truly say I am saddened by it.

And I thought, okay, let's try this again... and we swam with sharks and sting rays and the most beautifully colored fish I have ever seen.  I watched coral sway as the ocean water washed through it, pushing life through all of it's being.  And still I looked for more... I put my head down, searching still for something to take my breath away, feeling it around me, yet not knowing where or when.  And then, right in front of me - literally right in front, swimming toward my belly (seriously I had to get out of it's way - or so I thought - maybe I had to get out of my own way - aha!) was this magnificent creature I didn't even know existed.

This gorgeous eagle ray, graceful, swift and exact, was past me, then in front of me, then behind me, and beside me, spinning me in circles of awe just to keep sight of it, but harder to see the more I looked for it.  "Get out of your own way and quit trying so damn hard..."   And there it was - over and over - if I just stopped looking for it and appreciate the fact that it's there - somewhere, still magnificent even if I can't see it every second, 

And suddenly... everything is still.

Put A Band Aid On It

Sometimes, in the reflection of time, or as I often say here, those moments of moving forward, I think about the lessons I truly learned, and I find I need to share them.  And sometimes, as any of you who read my thoughts along with me know, I share the story, and sometimes I don't.

The lesson:  Broken is an outcome of circumstance.  Healing is the choice to grow in the lesson as time moves forward.  Broken is momentary in comparison to the Healing.

The story:  ... haven't we all got our own?  Surely you don't need to revel in someone else's.

My point is, we've all been a little bit broken, but for where I stand today, I wouldn't trade this journey if it resulted in a different outcome... because this is what I have been waiting for my whole life.  So, if you find yourself a little broken, put a band aid on it (read it, write it, sing it, dance it, feel it, let the air go through it). It won't hurt forever.

The Place of Letting Go

There's a dark place I go to in my memory.  It happens every single time I hear the fighting, and the conflict and the ridiculous, self serving righteousness of ego.  It becomes raw, fast, like a hot knife in my skin making my blood boil with it's heat.... and I seethe resentment and smell of turmoil.  I can taste hatred.

I was not the first, and I am certainly not the last in this lonely place;  that place on the floor, in the wreckage of what once was, where hope fails and faith escapes us.  I know it, and I am sorry you are here.  I would tell you I know, but you won't believe me.  I could say I have heard the demons, but I know your voices aren't the same, although the language and syntax haunt me with familiarity.  I can't talk you out of the dark.  Not right now.  You won't hear it.  You can shut me out, and turn off the light.  You can turn off the world and scream of it's cruelties and madness.  You can wait for the nightmares to come.  And they will.

Here is the place, in the absence of myself, my strength and my need to hold on that I let go.  I let go of all of it - love, hope, faith, strength, will, tolerance, patience, breath... I let it all go until I was empty and there was nothing left but darkness.

It wasn't all bad in the letting go.  I let go of tolerance of being destroyed.  I let go of patience for lies and hurt. I let go of love I thought I knew, yet really didn't learn for many, many years later.  I let go of breath just to be able to breathe again.  I let go of my will to fail, and poured it into my will to get up.  I let go in the darkness to let the light in.

Knocked down seven...stood up eight...

I know this dark place you kneel in, begging for mercy.  The betrayal may be different, but the pain is the same.  I know the demons in the dark and I know what they say.  I see you shutting the door, knowing sometimes, the "right thing" isn't the right thing at all.

I want you to know, when you decide to let the light in, I will be there.  Your strength can start with my hands, helping you up - to stand for your second, or third or eighth time.  When you decide to come out of this "mess of yours", when you decide to not do this alone, I will be waiting.  You will not be alone.

I will let the light in when you let me.  I promise.

Love when you can.

Stand up eight.

And don't forget to become breathless.

Just Give Me A Nod

I think I figured it out. "It" being what's been up my ass lately... This unsettled chaotic feeling of push and pull without any give.

I am thirty eight years old and I still don't feel like I have gotten my shit together.  Don't get me wrong.  This isn't a woe is me, self pity, crappy monolog blog about how terrible my life is.  My life is pretty awesome.  The simple fact is, I dislike things hanging in the air.  I dislike incomplete, indecisiveness - and my whole world is filled with it right now.  I feel like I am still trying to figure out life every single day, and I keep waiting for someone to nod or something when I get it right.

Let's review - I didn't get my first crack at college right (nor my second for that matter:). I didn't get my first crack at marriage right. I haven't found a job/career I truly love.  Hell, I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - but I never seem to stop growing up!  I struggle daily in a job I can't stand to pay bills (I know - story of 85% of society's life), tossing around things I might want to do - fighting in between sensible - it's what the job market demands- and what I want to do but can't afford because of the time and finance required - and who can take time out of their every day job to make a path to a new one?! Bah!

Let me tell you what I did get right - parenting.  I am one kick ass momma mia.  But even in that, some days, when I let thoughts creep into my head about change, and what I want, I can feel like a failure in about half of a split second.  I didn't have kids to make decisions about me... It's not my time to decide what's best for me.  Right?  Don't worry - I won't listen if you try to tell me differently or "if momma ain't happy...".  My life is more than just my own. Period. My decisions have three factors, sometimes more.

I rarely look back at the mess of relationships I left behind.  I really, truly do just see them all as lessons to get me where I am... and where I am is amazing.  I am crazy in love with the most glorious human being, whom I am sure, has been crafted just for me, and placed in my path with a big red shiny bow on his head - with a note that read "Go ahead now... Love.  Hugs and kisses - The Universe".  Now didn't I know better than to think that would come without a challenge? Of course I did.  The Universe put him three hours away from me, and said, "feel your soul ache... and figure out what that means..."

Shit.

I came home yesterday and said "what a peculiar feeling this is to stand in the place I have been all of my life, and yet it feels less and less like home every day".  How the hell did that happen??  Let me tell you how that happened - or shall I say, let me tell you how he reminded me this happened... "Home is where the heart is..."

Throw another ball in the air.

Why won't someone just nod?!

Just nod when I think of how to make this house better for us, or how I can handle things better.  Say warmer or colder when I toss around jobs or glance the right away at a .... dare I say... career...For goodness sakes shake your head no if I ever want another animal (this place is one monkey short of a zoo).  Nod when I've done something right... for the love of all things good... just give me the nod.

Seriously... just nod.

Pfewf... I feel better already.

Nightmares and Ease

I got caught up in a nightmare last night. (hello demons...it's been a while...)

Or maybe it was this morning.

I was trapped. Held down. Couldn't move.

I was screaming... silently at first, but willed myself to find some noise.  (when is this ever going to end)

No one could hear me.  And yet I kicked and screamed. (and no one came)

I woke up in a sweat so intense my sheets were soaked.  My body was hot with confusion and all the same but entirely different - icy in fear.


...



You told me you were having trouble sleeping, that the night is sometimes just too long...
"But", I said to you, "You sleep just fine when I am here; infact, you have peace?"
"Yes.  When you are here with me, I have ease."


I don't know that I entirely understood until whatever time it was that my world was shook, and my body filled with terror, felt your hand wrap around me...and there was ease.


For the first time, I wasn't alone when it was over...

Beyond grateful.

Still Standing

In the beginning of 365 Days of Gratitude, and through out my continued writing since, I have always taken an extreme amount of pride in people commenting on how much they appreciate how I put my feeling out there for everyone; to be related to, to be raw and somewhat fearless of judgement, to be...tangible.  Thing is, every time I open this space of writing, I have this draft sitting... not published, not put out there, hiding in the ranks. I hate that.  So tonight, I thought I'd share it. It's all part of the moving forward, after all.  It can't all be shiny all the time in the depths of the twisty insides among the demons when they roar.  This is part of it, part of me, one more brick out of the wall...

This (until now) unpublished post was written at the end of June, after a night of battling demons, and not only my own.  And today, I am more than grateful for just planting my feet, knowing what feels like home more and more every single day.



June 29, 2014

I thought today about giving up.  Just walking away...  I thought today about people who aren't ready to be part of something where love grows,  and how incredibly sad inside they are.  It's not my place to fix anymore,  I know that,  so I thought,  maybe for today,  I should just walk away...

The thing is,  my heart would break ...  And so would his.  And I don't really know right now that this over repaired heart could take it. I'm not so sure there would be any pieces to put back together.

And aren't I always good at that anyways?  Walking away so it's easier for someone else?  I wonder if it's ever going to be entirely my turn,  where it's not hard,  and I don't feel like part of me has to hide to let someone else shine.

Sometimes the biggest battles won are the ones you decide to just let go by silently, and watch the rewards in what doesn't fall down in it's path. 

Still standing. 

Onward now... go on. 

Didn't I Bring You This Far?

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan."

I just had one of those moments... those overwhelmed, need to have everything planned, how is everything going to work out, gotta make it all work... unsettled...

I would like to say I had a poetic moment of reminder; one that caressed over me like a soft summer breeze.  But the truth is, it kinda slapped me in the face like an abrupt attempt at stopping hysteria... Just let it be. Take a deep breath, and just leave it alone.  It will come to you... whatever it is that is supposed to be, it will come in it's own time...

"After all", said the Universe," didn't I bring you this far?  Just Believe."

Sometimes the hardest thing is the faith in it all.

But then again... 

...this happened when I wasn't looking. 

Someday

There's something strange here in the silence; in the place I touch where you should be laying close to me.  My hand flat, lifelessness under it instead of a beating heart and quiet breath. If I close my eyes, I can see you there... smiling.  Your eyes full with a thousand lives behind us, and just one ahead...

When you are away from me, my soul... it reaches.  It stretches to defy the boundaries of the timelessness that has wrapped us up and holds us in quiet grace.

There is a place will I meet you. Where whispers linger, and touches are gentle like an autumn breeze.  There is a time when we will not have to be without, where time's boundaries vanish like smudged lines that outline our framed existence.  There is a drink for my soul that will quench every thirst and nourish me with all of you....

It's there for the taking...

And someday we will.

Someday.

This Too Shall Pass

It's been a dark and twisty week for me.  It happens when, every day, I have to do something that eats at who I am; that consists of everything I loathe; that I ran from, swearing to never return for the good of my own sanity.  And then I remember, "this too shall pass".

This four word phrase, learned from my momma, has been the savior in all things I have been through.  I remember her saying it.. a lot.  I recall teenage heartache, or girlie fights, or trivial poor exam results, and she would say "this too shall pass".  And wedding planning panic, and child birth pain, and late night worries of a baby's cough.. and I would hear, if only in my head, "this too shall pass".  Even in financial stress... "this too shall pass".

I remember many days that consisted of thinking I wasn't going to get up off the floor, and being reminded "this too shall pass"; through shattered pieces, fear, and tears, tomorrow is a new day.  No matter what, the sun is still climbing in tomorrow's sky, and will move the hands of time regardless of what we put in it's path.  Time will pass.

As I sat at dinner tonight with my mom, I started to hear it, but I heard it differently.  This talk about my need for independence and in it defiance; security blankets; apron strings, and bricks in walls... "This too shall pass".  This leash that holds me back from what is right in front of me... "this too shall pass".

I almost wonder if she heard it too, not so differently,  in the little bit she lets go, just enough to let me fly, and how she hurts to see me want to go... "this too shall pass".

With every struggle comes relief of it all - when the time passes, and our wisdom grows.  A time where scars cover open wounds, because nothing can remain broken forever...even a fragile heart. That too, has passed.

In Love With The Night

Sometimes I wish my eyes could snap photographs and I could print out all the memories I want to hold onto... I mean tangibly, right there to revisit - hold on to.

I laid in bed watching him in the moonlight last night.  The room was blue with nightfall, moon light streaming in, and gently laying shadows across his face.  I laid my hand on the side of his face, in all of his peacefulness, knowing very well the extent of his contented heart, and in it, my own.

Even in his sleep, he smiles.

This moment, preciously, will forever be kept in my soul.  And all over again, I am in love with the night.

Every Time I Look At You

Look at you... just standing there
The whole world still
In the summer air.
I breathe you in,
You hold my soul.
If you could see this world unfold.
Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

I have watched the sun set on your skin
This feeling inside,
Where’ve you been
Moon beams flashed in your eyes tonight
Me and you, wrapped in twightlight
You are the brightest star in my sky,
You are my every reason why.

I have to catch my breath when I see
That face of yours smiling at me
Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

I never knew
This love till now
Just looking at you
You’ve shown me how.
The things that I see,
I’ve never known
I’m down on my knees
Don’t ever go.

Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

Every time...
Don’t you see.
My soul is home.
This is you and me.
Close your eyes, see it too
What I see, when I see you.

It's My Turn

There is that place between sleep and awake, that foggy state of consciousness and dream. That place where dreams wander and thoughts escape with reckless abandon.  That is a place where souls are free and dancing on moonbeams is common place.  Whispers are soaked with sweetness, and pleas are heard by forces too great to comprehend.  That is the place where one is safe in a home gifted to us by our soul’s intentions.  A place to just let it all be...

That is where I wished for you; where I prayed.

And here I stand, in great serendipitous wonder of how this love could be.

I heard it first inside my soul and I whispered it out loud, carefully, in that moment of realization.

“It’s my turn.”

It’s my turn...

Joy Should Be Anything But Quiet

It's not always easy, this whole moving forward thing... especially when you don't trust in yourself.  Thing is, kids, I am not talking about me this time... but there is someone that needs to hear this. 

Just because you've decided to move forward, doesn't mean you've done something wrong.  It just means you've chosen to be happy.  And your joy doesn't need to be a secret. That's like hiding under an umbrella in the glorious sun after the rain.

Turn your face towards the sun, and let the shadows fall behind.

It's Possible

"Do you think it's possible to hang onto this feeling?  For years, I mean.  Do you think, after a ton of years, you can look at who you are with, and still think....wow...?"

I've been thinking about it a lot. Over and over.. Stewing it over, brewing it, waiting to write this.

The thing is, I didn't come up with an answer. Not really.

So my answer is...

God, I hope so.

ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh.... They told me so... it's possible.

Stuff... As.Is.

Okay, kids.  It's time for us to talk about some stuff.  That's right... stuff.

I've been doing some thinking over the past couple of months.  It's been a good time of self realization and growth.  It hasn't come without struggle or a little bit of heart ache, but the happiness that has grown within my soul... well.. it's welcome.

For every single part of our lives, there is a time.  There is a time for laughter and tears, a time for love, a time for learning, and a time for growth.  There is, I have learned, also, a time to just be.  There is a time for contented self fulfillment.  This is where I am.  It was hard for me, a real struggle, to just accept that I am "good enough" just as I am.  I don't always need to be better (although everyday I want to be good, and pure intentioned).  It's okay if, for however this time is going to allow, for me to be content.

It's a complete contrast to the year behind me, and it contrasts many of the decisions I made last year.  But the thing is, it's time for me to just enjoy...  Please, if you are disappointed, I don't want to hear it.  If you had other ideas for what path I need to be on right now, thank you, but please, keep it to yourself.  My soul has chosen my path, and it's taking me where I need to be, and more than anything else, in that, I believe.

As I said, I have come to think that there is a reason we are supposed to do things in a certain order.  The decision for me to continue with my university was an unexpected brick wall.  I have decided, now is not the time for me to embark on this, and so, I have decided to leave it alone for a while.  And, I am going to do so without further explanation, guilt, or disappointment in myself.  It's okay, and enough for me to be who I am - as is.  No piece of paper is going to fulfill me and my soul more than this decision to just enjoy my life every single day has done.  And, I have learned, no one will love me less if I just love who I am - University degree of not.

Stuff...

It's time to start living again, in all of life's beautiful facets.  It's time for me to start doing for me.  It's been almost a year now that I threw myself into healing by hiding; hiding in a book, hiding in my children's lives, hiding in running busy, hiding in building walls.  Hell, if you read one post back, it's titled Hiding Out.  It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop looking behind me, and over my shoulder.  It's time to move forward.

It's amazing, I find, what happens when one's eyes become opened.  This is my time to start living again, wide eyed, full of laughter, and ready - for all of it; for all the things that are, as they are, and for everything that might be, or will be.  I am ready to enjoy it all, because I deserve to.

So my friends... that's the stuff.  Love me as is - because this is who I am, and I am happy. As.Is.

I can feel the sun pushing through... the ice is melting.

Hidden Away

I've been thinking about this post for some time.  I have tossed it around, and molded it, and trashed it, and pulled it out, and pondered it and rewritten it again and again... and I have hidden it away.

Hemmingway once said "write hard and clear about what hurts", and I am always telling myself - write from your heart - write with emotion, write with truth.    Well friends... this is raw, fearful, and true.

I am on the heals of a year of the end of things...where did the time go?  It's been a bitch of a time learning, hurting and healing.  I catch myself in moments of longing for companionship and affection, but steal away in fear; in fear of settling, in fear carelessnes, in fear of failing.  I have twisted this all, over and over.  Flipped it, tossed it, pondered, pained, over thought and hidden away.

Here's the thing... I don't know if I know how to love someone enough to be with them.  I don't really know how to go about explaining myself.  Yes, I know how to love.  I love like no one else I have ever known.  When I love someone, I love with all of myself.  I give of myself, maybe even more of myself than I should.  I tend to loose myself in loving.
(*aha! moment*  I hate it when that happens as I type... and I love it all in the same breath)

And when I am alone, and accomplishing good things, even great things, I am acutely aware that I did it alone; and I am quite satisfied with an independent accomplishment.  I tend to be easily crowed, smothered or stifled, and I need time and space on my own.  I do not share well with others anymore.  How does one find balance again? I fear I never will.

Oh but in the kisses, and the touches; the laughter and the joy.  In the moments of silent understanding, of sitting on stairs, of tears, of friendship, and of love... A year ago seems so far gone, and with it the notion that someone out there just might get me.

The list is long.  The heart is longing.

The climb is steep.

In The Shadows

A Full Moon is sneaking up on us.  Soon she'll turn tides, and give hysteria an excuse... But tonight... tonight she quietly hides part herself...still and graceful; lighting paths, leaving parts hidden in shadows, all with good intention. It's inevitable, as time ensures, that she shines full on.  But for tonight, may she take peace in the parts of her that need to stay in the dark.

Even the moon herself has phases that move with time.  You can't force it faster or slower, you can only accept her as she is, and be satisfied with what she has to offer.  I think she's beautiful.  I wonder if she knows that? And I hope she can see what I see, even for a moment.

And wouldn't that be a conversation for the moment?