Let It Be

Have you ever taken the time to write it down? What you want, I mean.  What your soul needs?  Have you ever given yourself the time to really take a look at what you deserve - and record it?

I did...

Then I burned it... and watched it, like a phoenix, rise to the moon and into the universe, spinning trails of smoky stories into the elements.

And then I let it be...

And stopped looking for it...

Let it be.

...and then one day... my soul jumped.

I looked back and saw how far forward I was from before.

And the view...the view is amazing.

You may decide whatever you want... but the Universe shall have her way.

And she did.

So I let it be.

Let It Be. Why Not?

I am a planner... but what if I didn't have to? What if I just decided to... not; go with it... lean into the wind and see which way it pushed me?

I am a diver.  But what if I didn't?  What if I didn't dive head onto some of the things I did, and took whatever came in stride?  What if I just let it be?

What if I didn't care about the "rules" for a while.  What if I just took care of my own needs without complicating things?  What if I just treated people exactly like they treat me and truly followed the Golden Rule?

What if...

Why not.

Right?

Just sayin'... I might really, really find something there...really. really.

Here's To Never Finding The End Of The Rainbow

I love this early morning hour; when no one else is awake, and I am alone in the quiet with a thousand thoughts in my head.

It's been an interesting week, filled with laughter, challenge, tears, a lot of letting go, and a couple people who helped with the letting go.  To those people, thank you for the laughter that shut out the emptied places.  To that person this week that reminded me I was beautiful.  To that little man that laid asleep in my arms and reminded me of newness, and the bigger little man, who stands almost as tall as me now, clinging to a hug that I didn't want to let go of - reminding me not all love can end, nor does it have to.  To the man in the window with no blinds, backing his wife into a corner, cowering her in such ugly anger for reminding me what love doesn't look like. To the friend who just let me get the devilish side of me out without judgement, supplying me with just enough information.  To the one who throws me to the wolves, you make me stronger to spite you.  To the one who has no idea what they want - I do, know that without question and hear it.  To the one who is hurting and uses anger to fill the empty places - I wish you peace and the truth - not the one you think you know, but the real truth. And through of all this - to my heart, I wish you gentle healing, patience, and time.

Experiencing things and letting myself feel all of it is a very new part of moving forward for me.  I don't block out the tears, I laugh every second I can.  I don't shut out possibilities, but I do remember the better person I want to be every day, and take pride in the right decisions, no matter how much I didn't want to make them.  Life without emotional boundaries is like standing in that place on Earth, in the middle of a storm, where the sun breaks through the clouds, and it can be pouring rain, but when that sunbeam hits, you can't help but feel the warmth.  And when that rainbow bursts through... well, many people search for the end of the rainbow, but I hope I never find it.

(a borrowed picture from one of many reminders this week, and they'll probably never even know it. 

Grateful none the less. )

Morning Metaphors

  I sat for a long time this morning down by the pond.  I was sitting in the grass, feeling my feelings, pondering some questions, and some life.  I looked around and these were everywhere... hundreds of them, red dragon flies all around me, flitting in the grass, hovering around my thoughts, circling me, watching... Hundreds of them.  It makes me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Under The Tuscan Sun.  "When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs. Finally I would get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I'd find ladybugs walking all over me."


And then, as sitting was getting me no where, I walked my walk.  Through the autumn scented paths, leaves crushing beneath my feet already.  A warm breeze blew, and shook a tall tree.  And right in front of me, this sifted it's way through the air to my feet.  Little life left in it, scarred and shaken till it couldn't hold on anymore, it laid in the cracks of this well beaten path... And I was the only one who stopped to admire it's beauty.

I made my way home, and noticed this wondrous wreck of floral confusion crawling it's way to the sun.  Twisted Glories, reaching for light, tangled up in themselves.  

...and here I thought no one was listening...

Defeated

I am feeling defeated by own decisions today... regardless that they are all for the best.

How did I get here?

God, some times moving forward just sucks. Period.

Defeated sucks.

Tea Time

I had "tea" with my parents tonight.  I call it "tea", but it was really just a visit.  A visit, a chat, a rant...time.

There is something very therapeutic in hearing my momma call someone "bastard!" in that tone, while I watch my daddy shake his head in disappointment - again.  It makes me feel justified in my thoughts,sound and still.

And when our "tea time" is done, I always feel so much more like myself.

I came home tonight, joyful for my time, and so overwhelmed with gratitude for the unconditional love I have been taught, knowing I use the skill well.  Oh how they love me... and it never matters what I am going through.  They just love me. They just do...all the while, just letting me be me...and that's enough for their unconditional love.  It's more rare than anything else in the world that I can think of right now...

I know I passed it on to two others, and I am so proud to say I did.  I know the roots and origins of that gift, and no one can ever take it from me.  Unconditional love.  That means a love that never changes - no matter what.  No Matter The Circumstance.

Blessed. 

Balancing Acts

Ohhhhh balance... it's a tricky little game of jenga that we live.  Moving up the tower, shifting our blocks, trying to keep it all from falling over.

If you move too quickly, you start a tremor that shakes right into the core of your structure.  If you don't stack your blocks just right, you could end up with quite a mess.  It takes a gentle finesse, you see, to keep just the right balance.  It takes proper skill, stacking, and special attention to all the needs in each corner of the structure.  Try to force more weight onto a piece of the puzzle that isn't ready for it, and it's all sure to crumble, forcing you start all over from the beginning.

There's a good lesson in learning the skill.

Once upon a time, Stella may have got her groove back, but I just regained my balance.  And I am grateful. (and winning!)  

;)