It's The New Year Intentions

It looks like it's time for the 2014 New Years List...

2013 was a doozie, wasn't it?  Our year was nuts with change, experiences, and did I mention change?

January saw a new job.Onward, everyone a year older. Volunteering in abundance.  The loss of a dear pet. A letter to teachers gone viral. A relationship ended. Walks abound.  New health obtained, eighteen pounds lost.  Travels in mountains. Past revisited and closure sought. Broken hearts.  Renters in my space.  New sports teams. Youth clubs attended.  Work move.  Dating (can we even call it that?)  miserably attempted and failed.  Friendship boundaries defined.  Trust tested. Snow falls in abundance.  Ten pounds found.  University began. Travels to the west coast. Self worth clearly realized.  Tutor found.  Tests passed.  Christmas taken back.  New puppy to ease my soul.  Family connections.  Past anger resurfaced. Friendships that heal wounds.  And here we are, on the heals of 2014...

And so what is it that I seek in 2014?  Resolutions...Simple Resolutions...Complicated Resolutions...As they come, in no particular order... 

Take more pictures. Definitely more pictures. 

Let the found ten pounds be lost again. 

Finish the two university courses I am taking, and re-evaluate the timing of this education and it's purpose. 

Heal my heart and insecurities. 

More dinners at the dinner table, preceded by grace. 

Rid this house renters and the purpose they fill. 

Listen more. 

Slow down...seriously. 

Write more when it matters. 

Resolve anger of past betrayals.  It seems I still have some residual floating about. 

Bust out the snow shoes before the snow melts. And walk, walk, walk when it's gone. 

Go somewhere with a beach.  A nice beach.

Three days away... alone. 

Trust men other than my father :)

See more plays - without being a character in someone else's. 

Hike more hills - literally, not metaphorically. 

Enjoy my life without always having the need for it to be better. Satisfaction is very under estimated. 

It's funny, there are only a few more new things on the list than those repeated year after year.  It's not a hard list to accomplish now is it?  Truth be told, it's only a shadow of what's to come. 

Let it come with grace, and gentle touches. I am ready. 

Taking Back Christmas

It's been years since I have enjoyed Christmas;  I mean truly enjoyed it.  Years.  I didn't think think this year was going to be any different.  After years of strained holidays I swore this one was going to be different.  But even after putting up the lights on the house (an accomplishment of of epic proportions few understand), I just couldn't find the Christmas groove. 

It seemed suiting, really, for as disconnected from life as I have been feeling.  Disconnected from my family, from my friends, going through the motions of the days over and over with little significant satisfaction.  My heart has been heavy with it, and my soul troubled.  So when this great season of joy sneaked up on me, I wasn't surprised I snapped at it and looked it in the face with distaste.  

And then something happened this week.  I have been exhausted and a little down with a bit of a cold.  I have spent many a night curled up in a chair.  I have ventured out very little other than work, knowing I have left a lot of last minute things to accomplish with regards to Christmas.  And in all of the hustle and bustle of it, in all of the worrying about the whos and the whats the affordability and the time... and and and... My children have curled up with me, loved me, laughed with me, and said "we have everything we need, mom.  Let's just enjoy each other this Christmas.  Lets sleep in, and see some family.  Lets spend the day in our pajamas and eat tarts and chocolates.  Lets eat turkey at Nana and Papas and play horse races after dessert."  

And this heart grew three sizes... no joke.  I have been a teary mess for two days, gulping down blessings and pride in these wonderful humans I have raised, in awe of how resilient they have been after our whirl wind year of change.  I see my strength in them, and seeing it was my gift a week early.  

And so, here I am.  And I am taking Christmas back.  This Christmas is ours.  It is ours to enjoy; in our pajamas, eating turkey and tarts.  It's ours for Mario Kart battles and dice games.  It's is ours for laughter and love, and for family.  This is our year, and we are taking Christmas back.  

Merry Christmas my friends.  May the Spirit find you, and grow your heart three sizes too big. 

The Cause Cannot Happen After Its Effects

I have used this quote before:

"Throw a plate on the floor. Now tell it you're sorry. Did it go back to the way it was? Did you learn anything?"

It's a powerful quote.

But...

Have you ever tried to determine who will throw the plate while you are sweeping up the broken pieces?

Isn't that an interesting question?!!  This statement, "The cause cannot happen after its effects" has jumped off the pages of my Research Methods text book and seeped into the crevices of my mind, slowly, almost like a mineral water, healing the raw wounds of frustration in not being able to understand some things.

I want you to toss it around in your mind... contemplate it, chew on it... then let's have that conversation.

I didn't throw the plate, but I sure as hell swept up the pieces. 

And that is not my fault. 

Mind Blown.

Just My Luck ;)

Today I was declared a man hater (all in jest)... Which isn't entirely true.  I am just fed up with non-evolved men who can't be bothered to step outside of their own comfort zone to contemplate what it's like to be with a woman like me (true story).  Let me tell you what, being with a woman like me, or, for that matter, me, is AWESOME.  That is all. 

I stopped waiting, I ain't lookin', and dumb enough to be in a tree? Yeah that's about my luck.

The Blue Fox Cafe

Something's been nagging me... tell me if you have ever had this happen...

When I was recently on a ferry on my way to Victoria, a beautiful woman came to stand beside me and we chatted.  She was stunning in her simplicity.  I could see her pure soul through her eyes.  They were green, like mine, and they sparkled when she smiled.  She told me that I "just had to go to the Blue Fox for breakfast."  "You will just love it, I know it, and really, you just have to go" she said to me... like she knew something.  It was like a nudge...

Have you ever felt that feeling?  Where that conversation felt more than just casual chit chat; where that person, with her pixie green eyes, was there for a reason?

As it turns out, I ended up somewhere else in that following morning's breakfast hour, and never made it to the Blue Fox.  And now, since the moment she told me I just had to go, I have been wondering just what I missed in the not getting there.  What moment was I supposed to have?  Who was there?  Why did I have to go?  And why do I feel so strongly that I still have to go?

Was there some sort of serendipitous moment that awaits me?

It's on my list now... to go.

Because I feel I have to. 

Does anyone else get this?

Is something here?

Blessing In Realization

Outside, the first sticking snow is weakening the last hold of the straggling leaves on the tree out front.  The air has a twinge of bite in it.  It's wet and heavy.

Normally, on days before this one, one would find me complaining, even perhaps cursing Mother Earth for the dredging snow.  But the thing is, today, I watched my best friend walk down a hallway away from me, shoulders stronger than mine ever could be, determined in strength, to face more hours of sadness and willed hope.

It doesn't matter where she was, or what she was doing, or for whom...

What does matter, is today, when I drove home from where I left her, with the snow falling, every thought I had was that I got to enjoy the snow today.  I get to go home.  I get to shovel my sidewalks tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will see my kids...and the day after that, and the day after that, and the one after that, too.  Tonight I am grateful to complain of a fully belly of pizza and how I need to work it off later.  Tonight, I am in love with the warm chair I choose to sit in, and that what I have to worry about is a healing heart, memories, and for what lies ahead of me.

My heart is aching for my dear friend, wishing I could do more to ease her pain.

And all I can do, is be thankful that I get to watch the snow fall.  I get to move forward.

No more complaints...I get to watch the snow fall. 

Reminders

Some days I wish you never would have wrapped your arms around me.  I wish you didn't lean down and kiss my forehead when you did.  I wish you wouldn't have looked at me and smiled.  I wish I never felt it.

Because then I wouldn't be missing it.

But then again...

It reminded me that it was possible.

Hidden purposes...

I Just Don't Want To Miss Out

I've been thinking a lot lately; of the speed at which I live.  Everything is going so fast.  Days, weeks, then months and years are flashing by, going so fast I have to actually stop myself to remember things that have passed or occurred.

And still I fill my free time - always.  I rarely just sit, in fact, I barely know how to... just sit.  I am going a million miles a minute all the time.  Full time mom, full time job, full house, University, kids' programs, friends, events, and now I am supposed to think, or even toss around the notion of dating or inviting someone else into my space all over again?  (p.s soooo not happening any time soon)  I try to jam pack it all in, as much as I can.  I make the most of the time... all the time...

Lately I have been wondering why... why is my satiated level of satisfaction always in depletion?  And tonight, it hits me, as the words unfold wonderfully from someone else's mouth...

I just don't want to miss out...

I don't want to miss one, single thing right now.

And in attempting to gather all those things close to me, so that I don't miss out, so I don't miss a person, or a moment, or an experience... Perhaps I've missed out.

And that's what I didn't want to do.

I just don't want to miss out.

And so now what?  Is my forward movement three steps backwards?  Or no steps at all?  Or slower steps in haste of my wanting?  How do I stop the missing while, in fact, I might just be missing the most important things?

Time Out

The last of the lingering summer is hushing outside, the air is heavy, and biting.  It's eerily quiet; a loud contrast to what the season past held in it's hands.  For as much as is up in the air, hanging on for answers, it's no wonder the weight of the atmosphere is pressing me against the Earth.

There's not much more that I can do but hold on, listen and wait it out.  A whole new season is at my feet, waiting for me to walk it's path.  Thing is... my feet are heavy with exhaustion.  I think I'll just sit a while and watch the people go by, and make up their stories in my head.  When they see me I will smile, and maybe they will wonder why.  Maybe they will be envious of the sitter, watching the passers by.  And one day, maybe someone else will just sit down in the silence, and watch with me.  

And maybe by then...the cold will not seem so bitter.

Harry and Sally

Oh how this has plagued me... over and over, in ever single facet of the argument, I have struggled with this theory. You know, the one where Harry says to Sally that men and women cannot be friends.  It simply is not possible...

Come on... you know the one I mean.  From When Harry Met Sally. You know it... this one:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

Men, what the effing hell is wrong with you? I mean, not all men, but let me take a safe bet at 98% of them that hold this belief (right now, I will be honest, and say it seems to be every single other living man other than my father and my grand dad). What is so wrong with being friends with a woman? How is it not possible for a man and woman to enjoy each other's company without a presumptuous sexual (however small) expectation? What the effing hell?

And while I am on this little topic of contention, may I just ask - from this side of the coin - how does one (female) get INTO the friend zone? That's right! I want INTO the friend zone!! I want to be able to hang out with a member of the opposite gender, be myself, eat a burger, laugh and be ridiculous and revel in being friends!!! I want to be able to spend time with someone (yes, again, male), go to a movie, see a new place, have some fun and not have to check my behavior or my actions for unwanted invitation! I want in the friend zone dammit!!!

Is it the Harry met Sally rule? Is this a rule that will forever hinder my friendships while I am single? Because that's the hook isn't it? It's the single-domness of it all. It's the unwritten potential of availability, isn't it? I have no problem with male friends that are attached to my girlfriends, the husbands of my closest girlies and ya-yas. That's it - another in the writing aha moment... unwritten potential of availability.

Brought to you by Harry and Sally. Eff you Harry...

Don't you realize, Harry, that all the solid relationships are between the best of friends? Isn't that, really, the best place to start? Relationships... from friendships... dammit! Eventually the rule will always apply... and I am bound to a life of girlfriends...

Eff you Harry... Eff you. I've seen how the movie ends.

Worth The Lesson

I am all about the lessons aren't I?  Aren't I always talking about the experience of it all?  Well here's something else I learned... One (I) has to go through the shit (experience) in order to learn. And let me tell you what... I am exhausted from the experience (shit).

How, I would like to know, and I am in day three of asking myself, did it take me thirty seven years to learn the amount of self value and sacredness of my body and soul that I have recently discovered?  How did it take me my whole life to understand just how precious moments are and what I have taken for granted thus far?  How I have I mocked intimate moments and thrown them aside as untreasured?  

So, here's the point of moving forward for me.  Going forward I know my value.  Going forward, I know my worth, and I am not ashamed of it.  I will not see my sacred nature and fragile soul be ridiculed by lies, deceit, motives and agendas.  I will not be self absorbed if I do not give of myself all the parts I hold sacred. 

I went through the shit... and from it, I know, I am worth the lesson.  

Morning's Reality

I awoke from a dream laced together with the hidden escapes of my mind, buttoned up with the pleasures of gentle love, only to be struck by the cold confines of a lonely reality that prompted me to pull the heavy covers over my head, and hide for some time to let the sadness pass.  A cruel gesture to a fragile soul searching only for something real.

On this noted day of Gratitude, let today be the day I stop being haunted by ghosts of yesterday, and tomorrow be a day filled with new opportunities, laughter, and love. (and let every tomorrow be the day I allow it all to happen ♥). 

(*except when you don't...*)

What If And Then What

"Did I hurt you?"

"I won't say that you didn't, but I am a big girl. It's okay."

....

What if... what if, this one time, she said "No.  No, I am not okay."

Then what?  And what if that was your chance (perhaps to use the word "sorry")?  And what if you didn't get another one?  What if tomorrow your chance was gone?  Then what?

...

Isn't life just too fast and too short to wonder?  Because what if, and then what? 

In just one blink...

I Just Wanted The Dance

It comes in waves, it seems - this emotional ebb and flow of emotion.  Days of good, days of confusion, moments of absolute light and dark; this illusive forward movement that seems like a backwards waltz with two left feet.

And just when you think you've finally found a rhythm, someone comes along and changes the song.

And all I wanted to do was dance.

Dear Mr. Sparks

Dear Nicholas Sparks, 

My exasperated sense of reality has prompted me, no, begged me, to reach out to you - and smack you right in your lying, dream state, romantic fantasied face.  And, I must tell you, in all honesty lately, that I despise you.  

You, Mr. Sparks, have painted pictures of impossible meetings, of disillusioned "love" and ridiculous states of romantic fantasy.  Your Sunday bubble gum movies, although heart warming, are stitched together in a flawed reality found only in the dreams of lonely girls.  You, sir, are a sadist. 

I don't find you fallible of a good story.  I am, very simply, a realist.  Life just doesn't work out like your Hallmark marked moments of magic that spark life's great romances.  A real love is not held in brief meetings, secrets or dramatic rescues.   Real love, Nicholas (can I call you Nicholas? Of course I can...), is held in those quiet moments of holding hands, of knowing exactly the color of "your person's" eyes - every single blue/green/brown fleck.  It is found in laughter of stories, and in understanding of hurt.  It is wanting to have one person fit with you for the end of time.  It is loving someone after an argument, through the anger, and despite the tears.  It's in that crease in someone's face when you gently lay your hand on it and feel the warmth on your palm.  Your romance will never compare to the way he watches her across a room when she doesn't even know he is there, or the way she reached for his hand just to make sure he didn't leave.  

People don't stumble into each other and find what they weren't looking for in the first place.  It doesn't happen.  Not in reality.  And from every girl that has watched your stories unfold, holding hope of magical moments that create and instant unattainable love, I beg you to stop it.  If you want to entertain my heart, show it truth and spare me the pain of your intangible "love".  

You see, Mr. Sparks, I may be a realist, but I am one with great optimism in my soul.  And if by chance I find that love, may it be filled with children, cupcakes, leaps of faith, mended hearts, and imperfection.  Write me a story about a once broken girl and a once broken boy who simply found their way through the mud of it all.  Write me a story that didn't start easy.  Write it full of lessons, and hurt pride. Throw in some anger, some friendly villains, and don't forget the apologies.  And, just for my own optimism, throw in someone who doesn't leave. 

So, while those other girls swoon in their wait of the perfect romance, I will sit patiently, and wait for something real - my own Safe Haven.  He won't be perfect, and neither will I, and that will be perfectly okay.  And I guarantee, it just might turn out to be a best seller. 

Auspiciously yours,

J

Expectedly Disappointed

When one has no expectations, the allowance for disappointment is relatively low. 

It's too bad I expect so much from people, isn't it?  

Here's to the wishes that remain. 

Leave Through The Window

I am the Queen of second chances.  Everyone who is close to my heart knows that.   I give people the benefit of the doubt to be good over and over.  I let people learn - or hold the hope they do; and I open a long since closed door, and I let people in.  Over and over.

My heart learned a valuable lesson in the recent past; sometimes, when there's a knock at the door, turn the deadbolt, and leave through the nearest window.  Sometimes you have to walk away in order to move forward.

Learn the lesson, listen to your gut, and dammit, leave through the window.

Let It Be

Have you ever taken the time to write it down? What you want, I mean.  What your soul needs?  Have you ever given yourself the time to really take a look at what you deserve - and record it?

I did...

Then I burned it... and watched it, like a phoenix, rise to the moon and into the universe, spinning trails of smoky stories into the elements.

And then I let it be...

And stopped looking for it...

Let it be.

...and then one day... my soul jumped.

I looked back and saw how far forward I was from before.

And the view...the view is amazing.

You may decide whatever you want... but the Universe shall have her way.

And she did.

So I let it be.

Let It Be. Why Not?

I am a planner... but what if I didn't have to? What if I just decided to... not; go with it... lean into the wind and see which way it pushed me?

I am a diver.  But what if I didn't?  What if I didn't dive head onto some of the things I did, and took whatever came in stride?  What if I just let it be?

What if I didn't care about the "rules" for a while.  What if I just took care of my own needs without complicating things?  What if I just treated people exactly like they treat me and truly followed the Golden Rule?

What if...

Why not.

Right?

Just sayin'... I might really, really find something there...really. really.

Here's To Never Finding The End Of The Rainbow

I love this early morning hour; when no one else is awake, and I am alone in the quiet with a thousand thoughts in my head.

It's been an interesting week, filled with laughter, challenge, tears, a lot of letting go, and a couple people who helped with the letting go.  To those people, thank you for the laughter that shut out the emptied places.  To that person this week that reminded me I was beautiful.  To that little man that laid asleep in my arms and reminded me of newness, and the bigger little man, who stands almost as tall as me now, clinging to a hug that I didn't want to let go of - reminding me not all love can end, nor does it have to.  To the man in the window with no blinds, backing his wife into a corner, cowering her in such ugly anger for reminding me what love doesn't look like. To the friend who just let me get the devilish side of me out without judgement, supplying me with just enough information.  To the one who throws me to the wolves, you make me stronger to spite you.  To the one who has no idea what they want - I do, know that without question and hear it.  To the one who is hurting and uses anger to fill the empty places - I wish you peace and the truth - not the one you think you know, but the real truth. And through of all this - to my heart, I wish you gentle healing, patience, and time.

Experiencing things and letting myself feel all of it is a very new part of moving forward for me.  I don't block out the tears, I laugh every second I can.  I don't shut out possibilities, but I do remember the better person I want to be every day, and take pride in the right decisions, no matter how much I didn't want to make them.  Life without emotional boundaries is like standing in that place on Earth, in the middle of a storm, where the sun breaks through the clouds, and it can be pouring rain, but when that sunbeam hits, you can't help but feel the warmth.  And when that rainbow bursts through... well, many people search for the end of the rainbow, but I hope I never find it.

(a borrowed picture from one of many reminders this week, and they'll probably never even know it. 

Grateful none the less. )

Morning Metaphors

  I sat for a long time this morning down by the pond.  I was sitting in the grass, feeling my feelings, pondering some questions, and some life.  I looked around and these were everywhere... hundreds of them, red dragon flies all around me, flitting in the grass, hovering around my thoughts, circling me, watching... Hundreds of them.  It makes me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Under The Tuscan Sun.  "When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs. Finally I would get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I'd find ladybugs walking all over me."


And then, as sitting was getting me no where, I walked my walk.  Through the autumn scented paths, leaves crushing beneath my feet already.  A warm breeze blew, and shook a tall tree.  And right in front of me, this sifted it's way through the air to my feet.  Little life left in it, scarred and shaken till it couldn't hold on anymore, it laid in the cracks of this well beaten path... And I was the only one who stopped to admire it's beauty.

I made my way home, and noticed this wondrous wreck of floral confusion crawling it's way to the sun.  Twisted Glories, reaching for light, tangled up in themselves.  

...and here I thought no one was listening...

Defeated

I am feeling defeated by own decisions today... regardless that they are all for the best.

How did I get here?

God, some times moving forward just sucks. Period.

Defeated sucks.

Tea Time

I had "tea" with my parents tonight.  I call it "tea", but it was really just a visit.  A visit, a chat, a rant...time.

There is something very therapeutic in hearing my momma call someone "bastard!" in that tone, while I watch my daddy shake his head in disappointment - again.  It makes me feel justified in my thoughts,sound and still.

And when our "tea time" is done, I always feel so much more like myself.

I came home tonight, joyful for my time, and so overwhelmed with gratitude for the unconditional love I have been taught, knowing I use the skill well.  Oh how they love me... and it never matters what I am going through.  They just love me. They just do...all the while, just letting me be me...and that's enough for their unconditional love.  It's more rare than anything else in the world that I can think of right now...

I know I passed it on to two others, and I am so proud to say I did.  I know the roots and origins of that gift, and no one can ever take it from me.  Unconditional love.  That means a love that never changes - no matter what.  No Matter The Circumstance.

Blessed. 

Balancing Acts

Ohhhhh balance... it's a tricky little game of jenga that we live.  Moving up the tower, shifting our blocks, trying to keep it all from falling over.

If you move too quickly, you start a tremor that shakes right into the core of your structure.  If you don't stack your blocks just right, you could end up with quite a mess.  It takes a gentle finesse, you see, to keep just the right balance.  It takes proper skill, stacking, and special attention to all the needs in each corner of the structure.  Try to force more weight onto a piece of the puzzle that isn't ready for it, and it's all sure to crumble, forcing you start all over from the beginning.

There's a good lesson in learning the skill.

Once upon a time, Stella may have got her groove back, but I just regained my balance.  And I am grateful. (and winning!)  

;)

Good Enough

A gentle thing happened.  I gave myself up to the Universe.  No, really.  I whispered into the night, two nights ago.  "Dear Universe... Just take care of me, whatever that is, and that will be good enough."

I will do my part; continue to be authentic and truthful.  I will be true to myself, and my heart.  I will do what I must to create opportunity for forward movement without ignoring emotion.  And the rest, I give to the Universe. Whatever the Universe has in store for me - the challenges, the accomplishments - will be, and all in it's own time.

"Just take care of me, and that is good enough"... and then I slept.  I mean really, really slept.

I woke, joyful and still.  Today, I spent time breaking the Earth in my hands, wearing the Sun on my face, breathing in the air, filling myself with peace.  The Universe is taking care of me, gently... and that is good enough.

I Am Pressed Against The Earth.

"I am pressed so hard against the Earth by the weight of reality that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet to walk"
 ~Katja Millay~

Every once in a while, I come across someone else's words that linger in my head; sing to my soul. A trip to a bookstore a few weeks back put this one in my hands. I read it over and over again, feeling it's edges rip into me. It's exactly right.

Part of the moving forward is going through the pain. There is no other to other way other than through it, and I have had a bitch of a handful of weeks of late. I took a long hard look at what's been going on, and in trying to heal from it, I have found, that I have not been authentic to myself. I have barely been letting myself feel, never mind heal. I have been wearing a mask that outwardly says I am okay. I have been smiling and nodding making my presence comfortable for those around me. When asked how I am, I politely answer "I am great, thanks".

And now, I have come to this point of true pain and in-authenticity. So just for right now, in this moment, I am going to allow myself to say it. Hell, I may even allow myself some tears while I say it. And please, if you don't want to hear it, please stop reading now. Carry on with your blissful ignorance that people can actually exist in their days with masked pain, and accept my answers when I say I am fine.

I am not okay. I am hurt. I am heartbroken, and filled with a sorrow that could drown me. Every inch of my body is feeling this crushing pain, that, even though I know I can endure, I really just want to numb. I am angry, and furious at the selfish decisions of others and the lies that plague this fragile heart of mine. I am torn apart inside feeling inadequate and silent. I am anguished by the uncontrollable motives of people who have claimed to care for me. I. Am. Not. Okay.

I escape to the places that my heart loves the most, and I have begged the Earth to please just take this pain away and make me forget this reality that me pressed so hard my feet feel like they are cemented into this place of pain. This reality needs to end...

So, please, if you are still reading this, and you really do not want to know how I am, please stop asking. The answer is bound to be "broken" for some time. Unless you are prepared to be asked which societally acceptable answer you would like in return, please stop asking me "how things are". Things are fucked - and I'm not sure what to say about it all. I don't even know what to feel about it all - betrayed? Foolish? Like I want to punch a couple of people in the face and then go get myself some ice cream?

Do not think that me sitting down to write this, opening up all parts of myself that are raw and vulnerable that I am just going to fold into a puddle of tears and evaporate, only lingering in existence. I have come too far for that. But I am going to allow myself to feel. And from it all, I will resource a power to do good; to be better. I will find that light that fills the cracks and use it to illuminate something beyond all measure, and you can see - that moving forward comes with healing, and a healed soul is capable of greatness.

I will be okay...just not today. Today I will just be human, and I really don't care if you don't like it.

It's Not My Job. I Did My Work.

So I am laying in bed, completely content with myself right now.  I don't really even know what I am going to write about.  I guess it will be a surprise for everyone.

I am laying here, purely and joyfully at peace with my evening - chuckling at situations I conjure up in my head.  I read an article tonight, brilliantly written by Graham R. White.  It's called Wait For A Man Who's Done His Work. (You can read more brilliant work here.)   Here's a couple of highlights for you:

"it's not a woman's responsibility to support a man as he discovers himself. Men don't require sympathy to grow, we actually require a push to step up"

"Today we have men struggling to define themselves and understand what Evolved women want well into their 40's. Rather than going out, doing their work and facing their fears, many men spend their energy in pursuits of escape or attempting to nurse off the emotional support of kind women. "

...and perhaps my favorite...

"It's not a woman's role to soothe a man, it's a man's role to step through his fears and learn to become decisive and courageous despite of them. This isn't cruel, it's part of what it takes for a man to define himself as an individual. "

And yes, seriously, written by a man - thank God for you, Graham R. White.

Here's what I wonder though.  If I found this "evolved man", would I find it attractive?  History says no - clearly.  But right now, today, all things considered, would I even know what to say to a man who wasn't pissing and whining about how much he has on his proverbial plate?  Would I be able to take seriously a man who had his shit together?  And what in the hell would I talk about with someone... no, wait.. a man... that knew how to communicate, with honesty, (dare I say) like an adult?  Able to give and take on an equal playing field...  

Let me tell ya what, after the week I have had, I'd love to give it a go. And, if by some small miracle, some man is reading this, thinking "geez, does she mean me?"  YES! I DO! 

This is immaculately timed reading.  I have been through the ringer this week (and yes, I will own that it was much of my own foolishness and wanting heart that lead to it all).  Lessons are abundant.  I am grateful for my true friends, and have a growing seed of anger for the pretenders.  It's all part of moving forward really.  I am done crying for and trying to hold onto people that need to hide things and lie to me.  I am done hurting at the hands of people who "love" me.  

I am also grateful for my own lesson of release.  I have spent a lot of time in tears this week.  I am not ashamed of the release so much as the foolishness that caused it.  I am glad to have let it go on my time, not harboring that pain inward to cause bitterness.  I am justified in cleansing my soul of the heartache.  I am letting go of it.  I am letting go of you while I keep myself in tact. 

Being an Evolved woman isn't always easy.  I know I am brilliant.  I know I make sense even when one doesn't want me to.  I know how to be happy.  I know how to be grateful for what I have.  And most of all, I know how to accept my life, and my choices in all it's facets.  Evolution is rewarding...even if it's lonely.

I did my Soul work... here's to finding someone one day that has done their work.  (And here's hoping I can take them seriously when the time comes).  

  

...Surprise :)  ...

Endings and Family Ties

I wrote this post a long, long time ago, when I was trying to heal, going through some dark times, trying to find some light. I was writing a series of chapters about "The Beginning" and "The End" (good ol' divorce pain and anguish).  And now as I watch people close to me going through the similar things, I thought I would share these thoughts all over again... for the healing of it. The Lesson of it? Do not get involved in that which does not concern you. Your life will be filled with plenty of battles of your own. Just move forward.


Family Ties...

It is not human nature for everyone on Earth to get along, and we certainly were not given the right to pick our family. We are given the people in our lives for reasons we have learned, or will come to learn. Our family shapes us, as humans. They determine our values, our morals, our characters. We take the traits we love and adopt them for our own. We refuse the parts of those people that make us cringe at humanity. I have done both, and with love. And in a conscious decision to shape myself, I shut out all negativity and refuse anger. I will remain in control of my own life, outside of the devises of family. I will not delve into judgement, I live in acceptance. And I wish the same for all members of my family. My wish for them is unconditional love and acceptance. If they do not know it now, I wish for them the lesson of it.

Often people forget about the families that were created in The Beginning long before The End. Love joins people, it connects their souls. We are offered up new hearts to connect to, and personalities to learn from. It is a beautiful joining in The Beginning. Two families become one. It is The End that is devastating for many families when it doesn’t need to be. I have watched families be torn apart by others Endings. It is an unnecessary travesty that human beings create out of hatred, jealousy, and revenge. It is saying “my family can beat up your family” and having your conscience be ok with it. This is your opportunity to be one of the world’s better human beings and just let it be. Let it be The End for you, and leave your family out of it – for their own protection, out of your love for them, and for yourself.

Families feel it is their right to participate in your life. They deem their opinion warranted and their ideas valid. This often causes family to get in its own way of getting out of the way. What I mean is, unless asked for help, and with careful consideration it is truly fair and right, ask family to keep judgement to themselves and solutions as a suggestion. Your Ending does not have to include them, but without careful attention, may very well. Do not encourage hatred for situations that do not include them. Family members are leaning posts, are never meant to be trees in our path that we have to manoeuvre around in order to move forward. The only person who has a right to participate in your life is you. The rest are in it by privilege and invitation.

I decided, while writing this part of my chapter, that I won’t share a story here. My End, as many others with family ties, came with much sadness. I could tell about how I packed the last of my things as the snow fell, and my mother in law stopped by with her last Christmas present of our time together, and hugged me good bye. She bought me desert bowls- enough for all of us. I could tell of the time my sister in law had a baby and I wasn’t there to hold it. I could speak of the aunts that carried on cooking bees without me, or the brother in laws that would sneak in hugs when no else was around. I could tell of holidays that carried on, the families that grew as time ticked onwards. I could tell you, but to this day, the End of the Family brings me pain. It hurts my heart, and so I will replace it with the lesson. Leave them out of it. No matter the circumstances of your End, it need be between only two. Even when they want in, even when they have anger for you, and they want to fight with protection and loyalty, beg them to stay out of it. The End is hard enough.

Dear Child

Dear Child, you are sitting on the sharp edge of teenage years.  Be careful where you stand.  Hold tight onto your dreams and be very careful to whom you tell your dreams.  There are those who will steal them away.  Hear yourself when you speak, and understand the consequences of your own voice, and understand how fragile others may be in your path.

Dear Child, I need you to understand some important things while you are molding the person you will be become.  When you have integrity, nothing else matters.  When you have no integrity - nothing else matters. No one will ever forget the person you were when you first met them, how you treated them in your time knowing them, or how you made them feel.  And I when I say they will never forget, I mean never... ever.  

Dear Child,  be very aware of your character and who you want to be.  Let only your lessons, people you have loved and those who love you take part in your transformation.  Take deep roots and reach always for sky's light.  Wear scars, but do not be hindered by pain or resentment.

Dear Child, in your lifetime, you will have enough battles of your own.  Do not take part in battles that do not concern you.  Defend what you believe in, but never believe in what you do not know to be true.

Dear Child,  in what seems like your whole world now will be so insignificant in years to come.  Please do not waste your precious time worrying about anything less than that which will raise you up.  Do not waste your words where truth is not spoken, do not do that which does not serve good, do not be less than you are for anyone.

Dear Child, time seems so slow for you, and yet so fast for me.  Understand, please, that I have once been a child too, and long for the days where someone wanted to teach me, and I didn't want to listen.

Dear Child, I hold your tears within my own, your joys in my laughter, and your love in my heart.

Dear Child... Hold on.

 Love,

 Mom.

Road Blocks

Days like today are trying...  I am watching myself be good at something I hate doing.  And while I am doing this thing that I despise all day long, I am faced with roadblocks in my path of doing something I love.

Frustrating.

I almost wondered today, if the Universe challenged my dedication to doing this thing that I love.  I said it all in my head today; "what's the point, and at my age", and "what's the sense in trying to accomplish this now? Will I ever have time to even enjoy it by the time I reach that goal?", "Do I have time?".

My day was filled with doubt, negativity, reminders of who I once was, and where I once was stuck.  By the end of it, my own negativity filled too much space in my head.  It weighed me down, it sucked my energy.


And then I read this...

The time is going to pass anyway.  I might as well have something to look forward to.  I won't be filling many more of my days with doubt... I know I can do this.  

Psychology degree... you will be mine.  One day, someone will say, "because of you, I didn't give up", and I will say in return, "what a coincidence".  

Real Perspective

My morning started before my alarm.  I was being pounced on by a dog that wanted outside.

My legs and feet are angry with me for the 8.5 km hike I did last night.

Nothing fit right. I changed three times.

The rain came down in droves.

I watched someone pretend to have a good morning through a false smile.


And still, it's half way through this day, and my reality says this:  My life is exactly right.

My day started before my alarm - I got enough sleep, and was awakened by the most loyal friend I know in need.

My muscles are sore from the path of self improvement I have chosen, and I am aware of the rewards of the hard work my body accomplished.

Nothing fit right, but I had a closet, and two dressers of beautiful clothes to choose from to find my comfort and functionality.

The rain came down in droves this morning, but I had a roof over my head, sheltered from the storm, and now the sky is blue, and the Earth is clean.

I watched someone pretend to be happy - and it wasn't me.

My life, is exactly right.... and it's only half way through the day.

Truths and Lessons

Truths and lessons may not always be the same thing.  But when they are, they are.  The Universe has a way of making one see truth through lessons.  These are some of mine. 

I didn't break you, but I can't fix you.  And that's not the same thing.

Keep your friends close...and don't bother with enemies. 

Be responsible for your actions, no one else should.

Own your decisions. 

Face your challenges head on, procrastination only makes challenges more difficult to deal with. 

Honesty is the key to getting what you want, and being proud of it. 

When one person knows your secret, more than one person knows your secret. 

Sometimes you just have to share your thoughts before they make your head - and heart explode. 

Trust carefully.  Some people simply always want to take/ruin what you have. 

Anger is a natural response to someone messing with your shit.  

Tears fill cracks in broken spaces, laughter heals them. 

Do not ask how one is unless you really care about the answer. 

Good parents always have unconditional love.  So do true friends. 

Sometimes too little too late is just that; and too late means never meant to be. 

One always has the ability to trump fate with stupidity. 

Serendipity seems to make us smarter by tool of wonder. 

Your ability to "get over" the love for someone or something truly defines it's genuine nature. 

Sometimes forgiveness is best left to God. 

Work hard, and with joy for what you want your life to be. It is, after all, your life, and living is the one thing you will do for the longest time that will seem like the shortest in hindsight. 

Never fear genuine love. There is no wall big enough to hide behind. 

No one can learn from your mistakes but you.

Decide to be a better person tomorrow.  Every day is a new chance to be better. 

Content

I am content.

That's right.

Content.

I am smiling - every single day.

I am at peace, and content.

This is what I have been waiting for.

That moment of ... ahhhhhhhhhhh....

I live with kindness, and see kindness returned.

I have sat back a bit, and watched some things around me; relationships, struggles, personal battles.  I have removed myself from many an "equation", and found more peace in not being the seeker of solutions than I do in being a "fixer".  When you are not part of the equation, you are not part of the problem.  And that is an amazing release.

And so, I exist, in peace, biding my time until my next opportunity to create happiness and joy.  I hold fast with my heart in my hands, patiently waiting to see what doors open.  Good things come to those who do good things (no, not those that wait).

"Stop doing things that cause pain, and start doing things that create happiness".  It really is just that simple.

Be content.  It doesn't mean stop living.  It just means living...with a smile.

Yes, You.

Have you ever heard something ringing in your ears, and tried to ignore it until it drives you mad?  For most people, the answer is no.  For some of us... the answer is always.

I'm brooding... and I am trying to figure out how to say what I have to say, make a point, and do it in such a way that truth rings clear, hurt is prevented, but the message is necessary and filled with love.

So here's the thing... if you think this is for you, it probably is.

Our history consists of lifetimes.  Our lifetimes consist of lessons.  We know, beyond everything else, in fact almost everyone else, we persist.  Even when we don't want to, we persist.

You and I.

Right now is your time of struggle, and I am feeling you are in a place where you are thinking I am not with you.  You are wrong.  I am.  I am also part of your lesson this lifetime.  Through thousands of years, you have sustained yourself through independence.  You have done what you have had to do to survive on your own.  You have decided you are strong enough alone.... (sounds familiar...)

This lifetime, this time, these moments, these questions, these moments of emotional weakness, are yours to learn from.  This is your lesson... it's okay to need someone.  It is your soul pushing you forward to me, but your pride holding you back.  I am going to catch you.  But first you have to fall.

Yes... you.

For lifetimes I have begged for your affection.  I have always come to you.  It's your turn.  I have learned when you were my teacher.  And with lifetimes, tables turn.  With open arms I wait for you to reach... but I can't make you.  

Yes...you.

So when you think I am not there, reach a little further.  I am. You just need to need. 

Yes, you. 

Lines In The Sand

When I was about half way through 365 Days Of Gratitude, a dear friend of mine told me she admired the way I put myself out there for everyone to read and bared parts of me I would normally hide. I was proud of it.  Well the truth is, in all this moving forward, I haven't been doing that at all.  Everything has been bottled up inside me, trying to spare feelings, or hide hurt.  It's time to stop it.  Stop. It.  I have always been very proud of learning to be true to myself.  Now is not a time that should be an exception.  So here goes... back to being me...

I woke up this morning with an empty space; with a kind of lonely I hate knowing.  The sun is shining, a breeze is blowing... it's a beautiful morning... and, for just a moment, I let myself contemplate just staying in bed.  It's not like I haven't woken up alone before.  Hell, I've been doing it for years.  But it's different now.  I know the company I will be keeping for the day ahead, and she mostly lives in my head... she's the only person who's honesty can shake my soul.  She's good at telling me everything I am doing wrong, and she pokes fun at my heart, calling it stupid.  She's unforgiving and the most forgiving in the same breath, and she's also the one who talked me out of bed today.

I've been quiet through this struggle in the past weeks, knowing the defeat of angry words and refusing to let them win.  I've held my tongue in preservation of heart break.  I've held my soul close in preservation of breaking apart entirely some days.  I've also held my chin up in the face of the expectation of how I should be portraying myself, once again, staring down demons.  Learned strength really does make it easier.

I find myself staring at the line in the sand that's been drawn for me, wondering if I should tempt it all and kick dirt in it's face, forcing it backwards, or if I should just turn around, and walk away... or perhaps run.  The one in my head, well she has all the answers... none of them right.  And she thought she was so smart...

Thumper's Rule and Bambi's Lesson

I said I was going to bed early.  I haven't been getting enough sleep.  My brain has been in overload for weeks, one lesson after another, one surprise or twist to the next.  It's like being caught up in a tornado, but enjoying the breeze.  It's not early, I am clearly not asleep. Epic fail... windy and liking it...

I've been thinking a lot today about being accountable for what comes out of one's mouth.  Most people don't think about impact of words before they spew them.  It has been a point of awareness for me for some time now.  Sometimes I think we have lessons in a day.  Today's lesson was that of the "Bambi Rule" (which is actually Thumper's rule and Bambi's lesson, but let's not split hares here... Hares!  Ha! See what I did there?!)

"If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all."

I repeated the same sentences four times today with this rule in mind.  Some of it was advice, some of it was a rule of my own.  Right now, I would like it to be a reminder to every single person who interacts with another human being at any point - so, simply - everyone.  Are you ready?

Angry words are a waste of energy.  Do not participate in them.  I refuse to destroy another person in anyway in order to make myself feel better or more powerful.  If I cannot speak without spite or anger, I simply will not speak. 

And now having said that, I will add there's no point in speaking when there's no one that will listen.

I have watched people over the past few days belittle others to make a point to attempt to accomplish a goal.  The result has been resentment and returned anger.  The result was more struggle, and no forward movement.  A stalemate of ire.

What is so difficult about simply being kind?  Everyone you meet has a past, a present struggle, and future not yet unfolded.   Be someone that eases the pain, lessens the struggle, and brightens the path ahead; and if you cannot, then simply - go away.  And please, do so quietly. There's been enough noise in this world, and it's gotten us no where.

You're Beautiful

I spent my weekend being surrounded by beautiful women; women who, if asked if they knew they were incredible, would roll their eyes and say "oh, please....".

Some of them will be reading this.  And for them, I have this to say to you:  I wish you all could see yourselves through my eyes.  I wish for you to see what I see.

There is no woman in my life who has had the impact the mother has, and she is the blindest of them all.  She is stunning.  She has the bluest eyes I have ever seen, and I smile I miss the second I can't see it. She has taught me strength, she has taught me unconditional love.  She knows my decisions before I make them.  She carries a beauty that shines.  Beautiful.

I saw another amazing mom today that would fit the same bill... amazing - and not a chance she wouldn't blush at the suggestion... and yet she oozes pure love for her children, grand children and everyone touching their lives. She shines in Amica Stretta...

Amica Stretta - who is stunning to me.  She makes me want to be a better person just by being in my life.  She is strong, and commanding.  She is true, and whole.  She is sharp witted, and loyal... She is beautiful.

There is some family who never leaves, no matter the circumstance.  There is family who just sticks to my heart.  I see her, and she shines.  Her love is apparent.  She shines with goodness.  I am in awe of her golden heart, her spirit, her love for family.  I see her, and she makes me long for family in a way that shakes my core.  Tracy, you are beautiful... and it shines right through your children.

The Universe has recently offered up new sisters for the Ya Ya... ;)  and they are full of beauty.  The laughter they bring me fills my soul.  The secrets we share, the trials we hold hands through...  Their beauty, unseen to them, makes me realize my own beauty.  There is a power in one.. sweet singer... so huge, she hides from it.  She has no idea how beautiful she is.  Not even close, not even a little.   I want her to read this and know her impact.  There are moments, I see you, and I am in awe.  You are grace.

Everywhere I turn right now, is filled with these amazing women, who barely know the level of their incredible states of being.  These few just scratch the surface.  I could write all night about the women who have impacted my life.  So, if no one else tells you today, you are beautiful.  And just for a minute, see yourself through my eyes.  It's an incredible experience.

Do not, my beauties, for one second, question how beautiful you are.

Beyond the Mask

Let me tell you something I have learned.  When you are going through Hell, you really learn the truth about who loves you, and who truly knows how to love unconditionally.

It's kind of a harsh statement in it's reality, isn't it?    Not everyone knows how to just love; love without boundaries, love beyond hurt, love despite pain.  Not everyone can see past themselves into another human to feel what their soul feels.  Not everyone even cares to try.

But when you find the rare ones that show up when it's dark... well now, that's the treasure.  And isn't it curious who still looks the same when the Universe gives you vision to see beyond the mask?

Healing Rain

The rain is drenching the Earth.  Settled dust from the season past is rolling across the still warm pavement from the heat of last week, and the week before.  It's a necessary cooling, a necessary catharsis.

The clouds have been holding the rain; taunting us with it, the smell lingering in the air like an omen.  The winds have blown, whipped us even, until we wrapped ourselves in protection, waiting for the storm.  And here it is, in all it's calm exasperation.

The Earth... and myself, have been in a state of waiting.  I have been patiently on stand by for this.  Last night, the rains came.  The Earth opened up it's hands to the heavens and soaked it in.  It's healing the cracks, it's hydrating the lifelessness in the thirsty flowers.  It's dowsing the slow burn that's been stripping us down to a state of raw beginning.  

I thirst for this life and this newness... this opportunity to start fresh and move into a new season.  The dust has been settled from it's torture.  Drink in the rarefaction.  Let it purify your soul, and be true to yourself. 

It's time to heal.  

Sing In The Storm

It finally raining.  I mean really raining.  I was standing out on the deck - you know, leaning on the railing, holding up the Universe.... and I realized something as I looked out into the dark tonight.  I can still hear the frogs singing in the storm.

I like the song they sing.  They understand one can sing in the rain and no one or no thing decides their rhythm.

Good night soul friends.  Sing in the storm.  

I Never Did Care For Pie

It's Mother's Day.  Sunday morning, early.  No one else has stirred yet; just me and my coffee.  It's been a morning of contemplation.  There are so many words to put down, and yet, none that seem right.  

I woke up from a dream of being stuck in an elevator that was about to fall.  There was myself and a another young, shy young Indian woman I had just met with me.  The door had just opened to the floor we needed to exit the elevator to, and a cable snapped, dropping the elevator on the left side, shifting and threatening to fall.  The young girl's eyes were huge with fear.  I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the opened door, and forced to go before me, following quickly behind her.  The elevator never did fall.  I turned to see it shifted in it's place.  The girl with me, in her blue dress, had disappeared, and I spent the rest of that dream looking for her in the building we were in.  And when I found her, the dream ended... 

I woke up a bit... edgy.  Wondering if this content functionality of my life nowadays is about to shift, and fall out of control... and all I do is make sure everyone else is okay before I get to where I need to be.  Honestly, I am humbled by knowing that this is my process, but see the terrifying reality of it - always with the last man standing's needs... and as I keep typing, it call becomes clearer and clearer.  

This dream left me thinking one thing for sure.  Of all of the things I have not done right, being the mom I am, and raising my children the way I do, is something I got just right.  I do that perfectly.  Happy Mother's Day to me... 

  

"A good mother is a person, who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, 

promptly announces she never did care for pie." 

~ Tenneva Jordan

Stand Up Eight

Get knocked down seven... stand up eight.

And stand I did... who knew I would get even taller?

I am starting to think the Universe is counting how many times I can get back up, and how much patience I have to put my feet under me, and rise.

The number is infinite.




Literary quote of the day: "..I write this post, hoping beyond hope that I'm not seen as an attention grabber but a truth-teller."  Jennifer Peterman Istvan
Radio quote of the day: "Sometimes doing the right thing, well, it just isn't right."  Adam McKale
Amica Stretta quote of the day: "Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it."  Tanya Hines
My own quote of the day: "I am glad to not understand that kind of hateful anger. That makes me a better person."  Me.


The number... is... infinite.

Peace Renewed

Right now, it's just before seven o'clock. The evening is cooling off, and I am acutely aware of the things around me. Every sound, every way the light settles around me. It's all renewed in this peace I have found.

The dogs are panting from the heat of the day. My girl is jumping on her trampoline, practicing like the next cheer season starts tomorrow. My boy is painting. I can hear trucks on the highway - one of my granddad's favorite sounds. The barbeque smells of recently cooked dinner, and the house is quieted of anything but hobbies. The patio set on the back deck my new space tonight to write.

I've been pondering myself a lot again. What I could have done differently, what I could have been more of. The thing is, I have really learned to be the person I would want to love. So, in my independence, and in my need to be in an equally independent relationship - I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can't change opinions of who I am or what I have given, but I can know that above all else, I was true to myself; and in that, I find extraordinary peace.

I have decided not partake in the negativity of all of this ending of things; the things that make us move forward. I have just chosen to be sufficiently satisfied with the Universe's decisions and what is now in front of me. The anger and sharpness that often accompanies endings - well it just isn't in who I've decided to be. Not after all this time, and all the work I have put into me.

I have seen hurt manifest itself in many ways. Blame, displacement of anger, resentment. I even, for a day or two, took it on myself. I even tried on for size the things that were said of me... they didn't fit. But that can't be my concern. It's not mine to own.

A light breeze is blowing, settling the Earth. I am content in it. This smile, and these thoughts of what's to come enthrall me. The path ahead of me is on fire and I have a hunger for the journey.



p.s... gosh I hate flying ants...even when it's peaceful... I mean really - what's their purpose? Better than flying spiders I suppose...

Dear Me...

It's been a while... again.  Funny, I was keeping my self from writing posts about moving forward in a blog titled "Moving Forward".  I've been very unfair to myself while trying to spare the feelings of others... or so I've been told.

Tonight, I found myself at the bottom of the shower, letting the tears wash out of me, and letting the water wash away emotion I had been stifling; pushing down to where I can't feel it.  I had forgotten that I am allowed to hurt.  I am allowed to feel anger and grief for parts of my heart that have broken.  It's okay that I feel loss.  I don't have to be so tough all the damn time.

And so I cried.  I let it all wash over me, and out of me.  From the top of my skull, I let the hot water rush over me, carrying my tears back down to the Earth where I stand.   I let what I carried be washed from hands, I let my strength, just for a moment, be drained.

I am back at my writing, renewed, and reminded why I write.  My heart is creased like the well read pages of a good book.  You see, when I love, I love with my whole heart.  I absorb people, I take them in.  I let them dog ear my pages, and put notes in my margins.  I open up, over and over again, loving the read.  And even when the creases and tears occur from careless wonder... I will always love the magic of it all.  Like being lost in a good book is being lost in my heart.  Go ahead, read.  Read my heart.  It's why I write... to let you in.

So for those tonight who sit and read, perhaps unexpectedly even, these are for you...


Dear Single Life,

I didn't think we'd meet again so soon.  I am here for a while, it's time to heal.  You have taught me in the past that it will all be okay, and I am strong enough to take on the world.  I welcome your challenge, but ask that you be gentle, and hold loneliness with closed hands so only bits get out at a time.


Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for reminding me tonight of my wings.  I will fly.


Dear his family,

Please know I will always love you, and I will miss you more than you will ever know.  There are many things I don't understand right now, and I almost hope the same is true for you.  I am struggling with this, perhaps the most... how is it that none of you seem to care about what's taken place?  How is it that it's okay for you to pretend I am strong enough for silence?


Dear him.

How is it that I wasn't enough?  How is silence the way to anything at all?



Dear Heart,

You will be okay, I promise... and I don't break promises these days.  You know what love is.  With all the things in life that are mediocre, do not accept love to be one of them.  There is someone that will return love beyond all boundaries.  Always be open to it.


Dear Soul Friend, Amica Stretta, and true friends,

Without you I am lost.  Thank you for finding me in the dark and pulling me into the light.  My heart is freer because of you.  I treasure you, never forget that for one second.


Dear Me...

You have been through so much.  The past fist fulls of days have been filled with sorrow, freedom, joy, and most of all - love in all it's facets.  I am very proud of you for becoming a person you can love before all others.  You are beautiful in your grace.  I look forward to our time together.  I look forward to a remarkable life with you.


Dear Melissa,

I, too, may need rummy gummy bears by the end of Friday... I am so glad you are in my days and make me smile.



Dear Smile...

Welcome back.  I've missed you.




And so my read along friends... one foot in front of the other...

Life Moves Forward.