It's The New Year Intentions

It looks like it's time for the 2014 New Years List...

2013 was a doozie, wasn't it?  Our year was nuts with change, experiences, and did I mention change?

January saw a new job.Onward, everyone a year older. Volunteering in abundance.  The loss of a dear pet. A letter to teachers gone viral. A relationship ended. Walks abound.  New health obtained, eighteen pounds lost.  Travels in mountains. Past revisited and closure sought. Broken hearts.  Renters in my space.  New sports teams. Youth clubs attended.  Work move.  Dating (can we even call it that?)  miserably attempted and failed.  Friendship boundaries defined.  Trust tested. Snow falls in abundance.  Ten pounds found.  University began. Travels to the west coast. Self worth clearly realized.  Tutor found.  Tests passed.  Christmas taken back.  New puppy to ease my soul.  Family connections.  Past anger resurfaced. Friendships that heal wounds.  And here we are, on the heals of 2014...

And so what is it that I seek in 2014?  Resolutions...Simple Resolutions...Complicated Resolutions...As they come, in no particular order... 

Take more pictures. Definitely more pictures. 

Let the found ten pounds be lost again. 

Finish the two university courses I am taking, and re-evaluate the timing of this education and it's purpose. 

Heal my heart and insecurities. 

More dinners at the dinner table, preceded by grace. 

Rid this house renters and the purpose they fill. 

Listen more. 

Slow down...seriously. 

Write more when it matters. 

Resolve anger of past betrayals.  It seems I still have some residual floating about. 

Bust out the snow shoes before the snow melts. And walk, walk, walk when it's gone. 

Go somewhere with a beach.  A nice beach.

Three days away... alone. 

Trust men other than my father :)

See more plays - without being a character in someone else's. 

Hike more hills - literally, not metaphorically. 

Enjoy my life without always having the need for it to be better. Satisfaction is very under estimated. 

It's funny, there are only a few more new things on the list than those repeated year after year.  It's not a hard list to accomplish now is it?  Truth be told, it's only a shadow of what's to come. 

Let it come with grace, and gentle touches. I am ready. 

Taking Back Christmas

It's been years since I have enjoyed Christmas;  I mean truly enjoyed it.  Years.  I didn't think think this year was going to be any different.  After years of strained holidays I swore this one was going to be different.  But even after putting up the lights on the house (an accomplishment of of epic proportions few understand), I just couldn't find the Christmas groove. 

It seemed suiting, really, for as disconnected from life as I have been feeling.  Disconnected from my family, from my friends, going through the motions of the days over and over with little significant satisfaction.  My heart has been heavy with it, and my soul troubled.  So when this great season of joy sneaked up on me, I wasn't surprised I snapped at it and looked it in the face with distaste.  

And then something happened this week.  I have been exhausted and a little down with a bit of a cold.  I have spent many a night curled up in a chair.  I have ventured out very little other than work, knowing I have left a lot of last minute things to accomplish with regards to Christmas.  And in all of the hustle and bustle of it, in all of the worrying about the whos and the whats the affordability and the time... and and and... My children have curled up with me, loved me, laughed with me, and said "we have everything we need, mom.  Let's just enjoy each other this Christmas.  Lets sleep in, and see some family.  Lets spend the day in our pajamas and eat tarts and chocolates.  Lets eat turkey at Nana and Papas and play horse races after dessert."  

And this heart grew three sizes... no joke.  I have been a teary mess for two days, gulping down blessings and pride in these wonderful humans I have raised, in awe of how resilient they have been after our whirl wind year of change.  I see my strength in them, and seeing it was my gift a week early.  

And so, here I am.  And I am taking Christmas back.  This Christmas is ours.  It is ours to enjoy; in our pajamas, eating turkey and tarts.  It's ours for Mario Kart battles and dice games.  It's is ours for laughter and love, and for family.  This is our year, and we are taking Christmas back.  

Merry Christmas my friends.  May the Spirit find you, and grow your heart three sizes too big. 

The Cause Cannot Happen After Its Effects

I have used this quote before:

"Throw a plate on the floor. Now tell it you're sorry. Did it go back to the way it was? Did you learn anything?"

It's a powerful quote.

But...

Have you ever tried to determine who will throw the plate while you are sweeping up the broken pieces?

Isn't that an interesting question?!!  This statement, "The cause cannot happen after its effects" has jumped off the pages of my Research Methods text book and seeped into the crevices of my mind, slowly, almost like a mineral water, healing the raw wounds of frustration in not being able to understand some things.

I want you to toss it around in your mind... contemplate it, chew on it... then let's have that conversation.

I didn't throw the plate, but I sure as hell swept up the pieces. 

And that is not my fault. 

Mind Blown.

Just My Luck ;)

Today I was declared a man hater (all in jest)... Which isn't entirely true.  I am just fed up with non-evolved men who can't be bothered to step outside of their own comfort zone to contemplate what it's like to be with a woman like me (true story).  Let me tell you what, being with a woman like me, or, for that matter, me, is AWESOME.  That is all. 

I stopped waiting, I ain't lookin', and dumb enough to be in a tree? Yeah that's about my luck.

The Blue Fox Cafe

Something's been nagging me... tell me if you have ever had this happen...

When I was recently on a ferry on my way to Victoria, a beautiful woman came to stand beside me and we chatted.  She was stunning in her simplicity.  I could see her pure soul through her eyes.  They were green, like mine, and they sparkled when she smiled.  She told me that I "just had to go to the Blue Fox for breakfast."  "You will just love it, I know it, and really, you just have to go" she said to me... like she knew something.  It was like a nudge...

Have you ever felt that feeling?  Where that conversation felt more than just casual chit chat; where that person, with her pixie green eyes, was there for a reason?

As it turns out, I ended up somewhere else in that following morning's breakfast hour, and never made it to the Blue Fox.  And now, since the moment she told me I just had to go, I have been wondering just what I missed in the not getting there.  What moment was I supposed to have?  Who was there?  Why did I have to go?  And why do I feel so strongly that I still have to go?

Was there some sort of serendipitous moment that awaits me?

It's on my list now... to go.

Because I feel I have to. 

Does anyone else get this?

Is something here?

Blessing In Realization

Outside, the first sticking snow is weakening the last hold of the straggling leaves on the tree out front.  The air has a twinge of bite in it.  It's wet and heavy.

Normally, on days before this one, one would find me complaining, even perhaps cursing Mother Earth for the dredging snow.  But the thing is, today, I watched my best friend walk down a hallway away from me, shoulders stronger than mine ever could be, determined in strength, to face more hours of sadness and willed hope.

It doesn't matter where she was, or what she was doing, or for whom...

What does matter, is today, when I drove home from where I left her, with the snow falling, every thought I had was that I got to enjoy the snow today.  I get to go home.  I get to shovel my sidewalks tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will see my kids...and the day after that, and the day after that, and the one after that, too.  Tonight I am grateful to complain of a fully belly of pizza and how I need to work it off later.  Tonight, I am in love with the warm chair I choose to sit in, and that what I have to worry about is a healing heart, memories, and for what lies ahead of me.

My heart is aching for my dear friend, wishing I could do more to ease her pain.

And all I can do, is be thankful that I get to watch the snow fall.  I get to move forward.

No more complaints...I get to watch the snow fall. 

Reminders

Some days I wish you never would have wrapped your arms around me.  I wish you didn't lean down and kiss my forehead when you did.  I wish you wouldn't have looked at me and smiled.  I wish I never felt it.

Because then I wouldn't be missing it.

But then again...

It reminded me that it was possible.

Hidden purposes...