It's Possible

"Do you think it's possible to hang onto this feeling?  For years, I mean.  Do you think, after a ton of years, you can look at who you are with, and still think....wow...?"

I've been thinking about it a lot. Over and over.. Stewing it over, brewing it, waiting to write this.

The thing is, I didn't come up with an answer. Not really.

So my answer is...

God, I hope so.

ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh.... They told me so... it's possible.

Stuff... As.Is.

Okay, kids.  It's time for us to talk about some stuff.  That's right... stuff.

I've been doing some thinking over the past couple of months.  It's been a good time of self realization and growth.  It hasn't come without struggle or a little bit of heart ache, but the happiness that has grown within my soul... well.. it's welcome.

For every single part of our lives, there is a time.  There is a time for laughter and tears, a time for love, a time for learning, and a time for growth.  There is, I have learned, also, a time to just be.  There is a time for contented self fulfillment.  This is where I am.  It was hard for me, a real struggle, to just accept that I am "good enough" just as I am.  I don't always need to be better (although everyday I want to be good, and pure intentioned).  It's okay if, for however this time is going to allow, for me to be content.

It's a complete contrast to the year behind me, and it contrasts many of the decisions I made last year.  But the thing is, it's time for me to just enjoy...  Please, if you are disappointed, I don't want to hear it.  If you had other ideas for what path I need to be on right now, thank you, but please, keep it to yourself.  My soul has chosen my path, and it's taking me where I need to be, and more than anything else, in that, I believe.

As I said, I have come to think that there is a reason we are supposed to do things in a certain order.  The decision for me to continue with my university was an unexpected brick wall.  I have decided, now is not the time for me to embark on this, and so, I have decided to leave it alone for a while.  And, I am going to do so without further explanation, guilt, or disappointment in myself.  It's okay, and enough for me to be who I am - as is.  No piece of paper is going to fulfill me and my soul more than this decision to just enjoy my life every single day has done.  And, I have learned, no one will love me less if I just love who I am - University degree of not.

Stuff...

It's time to start living again, in all of life's beautiful facets.  It's time for me to start doing for me.  It's been almost a year now that I threw myself into healing by hiding; hiding in a book, hiding in my children's lives, hiding in running busy, hiding in building walls.  Hell, if you read one post back, it's titled Hiding Out.  It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop looking behind me, and over my shoulder.  It's time to move forward.

It's amazing, I find, what happens when one's eyes become opened.  This is my time to start living again, wide eyed, full of laughter, and ready - for all of it; for all the things that are, as they are, and for everything that might be, or will be.  I am ready to enjoy it all, because I deserve to.

So my friends... that's the stuff.  Love me as is - because this is who I am, and I am happy. As.Is.

I can feel the sun pushing through... the ice is melting.

Hidden Away

I've been thinking about this post for some time.  I have tossed it around, and molded it, and trashed it, and pulled it out, and pondered it and rewritten it again and again... and I have hidden it away.

Hemmingway once said "write hard and clear about what hurts", and I am always telling myself - write from your heart - write with emotion, write with truth.    Well friends... this is raw, fearful, and true.

I am on the heals of a year of the end of things...where did the time go?  It's been a bitch of a time learning, hurting and healing.  I catch myself in moments of longing for companionship and affection, but steal away in fear; in fear of settling, in fear carelessnes, in fear of failing.  I have twisted this all, over and over.  Flipped it, tossed it, pondered, pained, over thought and hidden away.

Here's the thing... I don't know if I know how to love someone enough to be with them.  I don't really know how to go about explaining myself.  Yes, I know how to love.  I love like no one else I have ever known.  When I love someone, I love with all of myself.  I give of myself, maybe even more of myself than I should.  I tend to loose myself in loving.
(*aha! moment*  I hate it when that happens as I type... and I love it all in the same breath)

And when I am alone, and accomplishing good things, even great things, I am acutely aware that I did it alone; and I am quite satisfied with an independent accomplishment.  I tend to be easily crowed, smothered or stifled, and I need time and space on my own.  I do not share well with others anymore.  How does one find balance again? I fear I never will.

Oh but in the kisses, and the touches; the laughter and the joy.  In the moments of silent understanding, of sitting on stairs, of tears, of friendship, and of love... A year ago seems so far gone, and with it the notion that someone out there just might get me.

The list is long.  The heart is longing.

The climb is steep.

In The Shadows

A Full Moon is sneaking up on us.  Soon she'll turn tides, and give hysteria an excuse... But tonight... tonight she quietly hides part herself...still and graceful; lighting paths, leaving parts hidden in shadows, all with good intention. It's inevitable, as time ensures, that she shines full on.  But for tonight, may she take peace in the parts of her that need to stay in the dark.

Even the moon herself has phases that move with time.  You can't force it faster or slower, you can only accept her as she is, and be satisfied with what she has to offer.  I think she's beautiful.  I wonder if she knows that? And I hope she can see what I see, even for a moment.

And wouldn't that be a conversation for the moment?

It's The New Year Intentions

It looks like it's time for the 2014 New Years List...

2013 was a doozie, wasn't it?  Our year was nuts with change, experiences, and did I mention change?

January saw a new job.Onward, everyone a year older. Volunteering in abundance.  The loss of a dear pet. A letter to teachers gone viral. A relationship ended. Walks abound.  New health obtained, eighteen pounds lost.  Travels in mountains. Past revisited and closure sought. Broken hearts.  Renters in my space.  New sports teams. Youth clubs attended.  Work move.  Dating (can we even call it that?)  miserably attempted and failed.  Friendship boundaries defined.  Trust tested. Snow falls in abundance.  Ten pounds found.  University began. Travels to the west coast. Self worth clearly realized.  Tutor found.  Tests passed.  Christmas taken back.  New puppy to ease my soul.  Family connections.  Past anger resurfaced. Friendships that heal wounds.  And here we are, on the heals of 2014...

And so what is it that I seek in 2014?  Resolutions...Simple Resolutions...Complicated Resolutions...As they come, in no particular order... 

Take more pictures. Definitely more pictures. 

Let the found ten pounds be lost again. 

Finish the two university courses I am taking, and re-evaluate the timing of this education and it's purpose. 

Heal my heart and insecurities. 

More dinners at the dinner table, preceded by grace. 

Rid this house renters and the purpose they fill. 

Listen more. 

Slow down...seriously. 

Write more when it matters. 

Resolve anger of past betrayals.  It seems I still have some residual floating about. 

Bust out the snow shoes before the snow melts. And walk, walk, walk when it's gone. 

Go somewhere with a beach.  A nice beach.

Three days away... alone. 

Trust men other than my father :)

See more plays - without being a character in someone else's. 

Hike more hills - literally, not metaphorically. 

Enjoy my life without always having the need for it to be better. Satisfaction is very under estimated. 

It's funny, there are only a few more new things on the list than those repeated year after year.  It's not a hard list to accomplish now is it?  Truth be told, it's only a shadow of what's to come. 

Let it come with grace, and gentle touches. I am ready. 

Taking Back Christmas

It's been years since I have enjoyed Christmas;  I mean truly enjoyed it.  Years.  I didn't think think this year was going to be any different.  After years of strained holidays I swore this one was going to be different.  But even after putting up the lights on the house (an accomplishment of of epic proportions few understand), I just couldn't find the Christmas groove. 

It seemed suiting, really, for as disconnected from life as I have been feeling.  Disconnected from my family, from my friends, going through the motions of the days over and over with little significant satisfaction.  My heart has been heavy with it, and my soul troubled.  So when this great season of joy sneaked up on me, I wasn't surprised I snapped at it and looked it in the face with distaste.  

And then something happened this week.  I have been exhausted and a little down with a bit of a cold.  I have spent many a night curled up in a chair.  I have ventured out very little other than work, knowing I have left a lot of last minute things to accomplish with regards to Christmas.  And in all of the hustle and bustle of it, in all of the worrying about the whos and the whats the affordability and the time... and and and... My children have curled up with me, loved me, laughed with me, and said "we have everything we need, mom.  Let's just enjoy each other this Christmas.  Lets sleep in, and see some family.  Lets spend the day in our pajamas and eat tarts and chocolates.  Lets eat turkey at Nana and Papas and play horse races after dessert."  

And this heart grew three sizes... no joke.  I have been a teary mess for two days, gulping down blessings and pride in these wonderful humans I have raised, in awe of how resilient they have been after our whirl wind year of change.  I see my strength in them, and seeing it was my gift a week early.  

And so, here I am.  And I am taking Christmas back.  This Christmas is ours.  It is ours to enjoy; in our pajamas, eating turkey and tarts.  It's ours for Mario Kart battles and dice games.  It's is ours for laughter and love, and for family.  This is our year, and we are taking Christmas back.  

Merry Christmas my friends.  May the Spirit find you, and grow your heart three sizes too big. 

The Cause Cannot Happen After Its Effects

I have used this quote before:

"Throw a plate on the floor. Now tell it you're sorry. Did it go back to the way it was? Did you learn anything?"

It's a powerful quote.

But...

Have you ever tried to determine who will throw the plate while you are sweeping up the broken pieces?

Isn't that an interesting question?!!  This statement, "The cause cannot happen after its effects" has jumped off the pages of my Research Methods text book and seeped into the crevices of my mind, slowly, almost like a mineral water, healing the raw wounds of frustration in not being able to understand some things.

I want you to toss it around in your mind... contemplate it, chew on it... then let's have that conversation.

I didn't throw the plate, but I sure as hell swept up the pieces. 

And that is not my fault. 

Mind Blown.