Stuff... As.Is.

Okay, kids.  It's time for us to talk about some stuff.  That's right... stuff.

I've been doing some thinking over the past couple of months.  It's been a good time of self realization and growth.  It hasn't come without struggle or a little bit of heart ache, but the happiness that has grown within my soul... well.. it's welcome.

For every single part of our lives, there is a time.  There is a time for laughter and tears, a time for love, a time for learning, and a time for growth.  There is, I have learned, also, a time to just be.  There is a time for contented self fulfillment.  This is where I am.  It was hard for me, a real struggle, to just accept that I am "good enough" just as I am.  I don't always need to be better (although everyday I want to be good, and pure intentioned).  It's okay if, for however this time is going to allow, for me to be content.

It's a complete contrast to the year behind me, and it contrasts many of the decisions I made last year.  But the thing is, it's time for me to just enjoy...  Please, if you are disappointed, I don't want to hear it.  If you had other ideas for what path I need to be on right now, thank you, but please, keep it to yourself.  My soul has chosen my path, and it's taking me where I need to be, and more than anything else, in that, I believe.

As I said, I have come to think that there is a reason we are supposed to do things in a certain order.  The decision for me to continue with my university was an unexpected brick wall.  I have decided, now is not the time for me to embark on this, and so, I have decided to leave it alone for a while.  And, I am going to do so without further explanation, guilt, or disappointment in myself.  It's okay, and enough for me to be who I am - as is.  No piece of paper is going to fulfill me and my soul more than this decision to just enjoy my life every single day has done.  And, I have learned, no one will love me less if I just love who I am - University degree of not.

Stuff...

It's time to start living again, in all of life's beautiful facets.  It's time for me to start doing for me.  It's been almost a year now that I threw myself into healing by hiding; hiding in a book, hiding in my children's lives, hiding in running busy, hiding in building walls.  Hell, if you read one post back, it's titled Hiding Out.  It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop looking behind me, and over my shoulder.  It's time to move forward.

It's amazing, I find, what happens when one's eyes become opened.  This is my time to start living again, wide eyed, full of laughter, and ready - for all of it; for all the things that are, as they are, and for everything that might be, or will be.  I am ready to enjoy it all, because I deserve to.

So my friends... that's the stuff.  Love me as is - because this is who I am, and I am happy. As.Is.

I can feel the sun pushing through... the ice is melting.