I am thirty eight years old and I still don't feel like I have gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a woe is me, self pity, crappy monolog blog about how terrible my life is. My life is pretty awesome. The simple fact is, I dislike things hanging in the air. I dislike incomplete, indecisiveness - and my whole world is filled with it right now. I feel like I am still trying to figure out life every single day, and I keep waiting for someone to nod or something when I get it right.
Let's review - I didn't get my first crack at college right (nor my second for that matter:). I didn't get my first crack at marriage right. I haven't found a job/career I truly love. Hell, I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - but I never seem to stop growing up! I struggle daily in a job I can't stand to pay bills (I know - story of 85% of society's life), tossing around things I might want to do - fighting in between sensible - it's what the job market demands- and what I want to do but can't afford because of the time and finance required - and who can take time out of their every day job to make a path to a new one?! Bah!
Let me tell you what I did get right - parenting. I am one kick ass momma mia. But even in that, some days, when I let thoughts creep into my head about change, and what I want, I can feel like a failure in about half of a split second. I didn't have kids to make decisions about me... It's not my time to decide what's best for me. Right? Don't worry - I won't listen if you try to tell me differently or "if momma ain't happy...". My life is more than just my own. Period. My decisions have three factors, sometimes more.
I rarely look back at the mess of relationships I left behind. I really, truly do just see them all as lessons to get me where I am... and where I am is amazing. I am crazy in love with the most glorious human being, whom I am sure, has been crafted just for me, and placed in my path with a big red shiny bow on his head - with a note that read "Go ahead now... Love. Hugs and kisses - The Universe". Now didn't I know better than to think that would come without a challenge? Of course I did. The Universe put him three hours away from me, and said, "feel your soul ache... and figure out what that means..."
Shit.
I came home yesterday and said "what a peculiar feeling this is to stand in the place I have been all of my life, and yet it feels less and less like home every day". How the hell did that happen?? Let me tell you how that happened - or shall I say, let me tell you how he reminded me this happened... "Home is where the heart is..."
Throw another ball in the air.
Why won't someone just nod?!
Just nod when I think of how to make this house better for us, or how I can handle things better. Say warmer or colder when I toss around jobs or glance the right away at a .... dare I say... career...For goodness sakes shake your head no if I ever want another animal (this place is one monkey short of a zoo). Nod when I've done something right... for the love of all things good... just give me the nod.
Seriously... just nod.
Pfewf... I feel better already.
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