Get On Your Soap Box

I had a very long over due visit with my dear amica stretta last night. It was a soul talk I was longing for and desperately needed.  I miss our talks when we go too long, but pick up like never missed a day.

We wandered into some emotional waters,and something that's been on my mind for some time, but I rarely talk about it with anyone.  It's one of those demons that hides in the shadows.  It was a dark and light discussion about end of life conversations and the role they play for us in our sense of peace when we have to go and leave it all behind.  More than once, I had tears well up that wanted to escape, and my breath caught in my throat at the thought of it all.

Without getting into any unnecessary detail, I was filled with an image of this person, struggling with the end of their life, having to say good bye, and needing to hear that it was okay (or as okay as it could be), and having absolutely no idea how to facilitate what that need was for them.  I, for a brief moment, put myself in that bed, in that illness, in that time, staring into the eyes of people who were silently begging me not to go, but knowing there was no more control for me in this ill fate.  I was devastated, and terrified, and so incredibly sad,  I pictured the one on one time I would have to spend with my children, my parents, and the love of my life saying all the things I know they would need to hear, and all of the things I would have to say.  My soul cried.  It cried for necessity, it cried for love, it cried for grace.

It stuck with me all night, and I woke up with it still ominous and present.  And perhaps what is urgent with me is the question of do I want to wait until there is no time left to say what needs to be heard?  What if there was no more time?  Would those people know exactly the things I held inside my soul for them? Do I need to be in a place that threatens my time to make sure I know everyone is complete, and that I am whole?

No.

So, I decided.  It's time to get on my soapbox.  It's time to say all those things that people will remember, and hopefully, smile. It is in these days of wonder, where I am healthy and young, and vibrant (oh by the way I plan on being young and healthy and vibrant at 103), that everyone will know exactly how they have touched my soul.

My children should never wonder if I am proud of them, or if they did everything just right.  My kids should never long for more time with me, and if they have, shame on me, and now is the time to lay with them and actively listen to their words, and feel their warmth as they hug me.  My friends should not go away from me wondering if we should have hugged one last time, or if that conversation was fulfilling enough to last them if it should have to,  In this time, where I am blessed with time with my parents, let me be grateful and vocal with my love for them and for every single moment.  Let me take in their wisdom and hear them when they teach me.  Trap those memories and share them.  Take time and don't be too busy, or too tired, or too grown up.  Don't ever let tomorrow be the day where I wished I'd have said "I love you" one more time.

And oh that love of mine... in a time where we have just found one another, does he know?  Does he know just how elated my soul is when he is near, and how it reaches for him even while he lays quietly with me at night?  Is he sure that there has never been, nor will there ever be again, another human that has shown me the kind of love that he has brought into my life.  Does he know the smile he loves is one he created?  May he never get to the end of the day questioning just how grateful I am for his soul, and I will never leave that sacred space we share where time is irrelevant and love knows no boundaries.

I am on my soap box today and everyday.  I promise, I am not waiting until there is no time left.  When I tell my people I love them, and thank them for sharing my time on Earth, it will not be with fear of what time is left, but of grace, that I have made every effort to share part of me with them...with you.

Get on your soapbox. I love you.

15 Intentions

Okay... I am sitting down. I have told myself I am going to write,  This is it.  It's not like I haven't tried before, actually at least twice a day, but nothing comes out.  Nothing,  I sit, I stare, I fail to write.  I have no idea what's going on inside, or why.  Maybe I have filled the space that writing used to fill with something else?

It's the fourth day of January, and I have yet to set any intentions for this new year we have embarked on.  It's been years since I have waited it out like this.  I have taken a long look at last year's intentions and weighed them out.  And now here I sit, injured knee up, forcing myself to write... So perhaps I should start with that.  2015 intentions... 15 intentions for 2015?  Yes I think so.

(seriously after the amazing year I have had, all the journey, all the adventure, and  most of all, love, do I dare ask for more?)

1. Be grateful every single damn day for my life and for the people who have chosen to be part of it.
2. Let gently go of the people who chose not to be part of my life for whatever reason, or whatever journey they are on . 
3. Remember sometimes, number one and number two are interchangeable, and there doesn't need to be fault. Sometimes. 
4. Take my kids to Jamaica. ( yeah I know this was a Christmas gift, but the tickets aren't purchased, nor a date nailed down. I very much dislike broken promises, and I will not break this one,) 
5. I am also going to venture this - Go to Alaska... I don't know why, but I really want to. 
6. Figure out what in the hell I am doing with my "career".  The path I have taken does not seem exactly correct. I am starting to wonder if I will ever find some sort of satisfaction here. 
7. Rip the carpet out of my living room.  I hate it. 
8. Be healthier. Try to remember that my body is a product of what I put in it and how I treat it. I am worth my own health... I am worth my own health. 
9. Attempt to elongate my attention span and rejuvenate my memory.  (remember the way things were before social media?  Yeah - me neither. That's a problem. 
10. Take more pictures, and quiet my mind when I can.
    (ok, seriously guilty... I just interrupted this to send two messages while I was thinking about them... hello #9... If it's any consolation, It was about pictures...and memories... )
11. Be mindful (and I read this this morning) that sometimes forever is only as long as a second. Do I really have time to wait? 
12. Read more. Its okay to have time to just read. 
13. Something else I read this morning - where there are empty spaces, fill it with love. 
14. Find more kindness within myself. For myself and for others.  This includes the words coming out of my mouth, Mindful kindness. 
15. Lessen the unnecessary clutter, rid myself of things I don't need, that I don't need to hold onto, and the things that take up space (#2, #7, #8... and actual stuff). I have a lot of stuff and seem to be emotionally attached to it.  It's never just a book, or  just a picture.  

Well there they are, fifteen intentions for this year of 2015.  

...I just noticed, not one of them says "write more".  

Here's to year of catching moments, taking time to remember them, and most of all, 

filling them with love. 

Last Year Intended...

I am looking for something I wrote a long time ago... and be dammed if I can find it. But I came across last years New Years Intentions, and I thought maybe that might be a good place to take a minute to reflect on the past year.  

I can't believe how different life has become in a year, and what lies ahead. Last December brought me quite a list...Let's see how I did:

Take more pictures. Definitely more pictures. Definitely did this! Check!

Let the found ten pounds be lost again.  Pretty sure I found ten more... ah hell...

Finish the two university courses I am taking, and re-evaluate the timing of this education and it's purpose. Didn't finish them, did re-evaluate, haven't looked back. 

Heal my heart and insecurities. Still working on this despite finding the love of my life. 

More dinners at the dinner table, preceded by grace.  This did not happen. A sign appeared in the kitchen...it's the closest we got to grace. But I think there have been more meals at the table... let's shoot for this one again. 

Rid this house renters and the purpose they fill.  Rid of renters, yes. YES! 

Listen more. Yes. Did, done, doing. 

Slow down...seriously. I think I sped up... 

Write more when it matters. I now write ONLY  when it matters. 

Resolve anger of past betrayals.  It seems I still have some residual floating about. I think this is as resolved as it's ever going to be. I find comfort in knowing there is only one me. 

Bust out the snow shoes before the snow melts. And walk, walk, walk when it's gone.  My poor shoes never made it off the wall last year.  This year, I hope they do. 

Go somewhere with a beach.  A nice beach. And boy did I! 

Three days away... alone.  Still have not managed to accomplish this. 

Trust men other than my father :)  I found one other...

See more plays - without being a character in someone else's. I saw one while in costume, and one other completely as myself.  

Hike more hills - literally, not metaphorically. Slow hiking season... didn't go once. 

Enjoy my life without always having the need for it to be better. Satisfaction is very under estimated. This may very well have been the years best lesson.  I just enjoyed. I just did, and laughed, and loved, and for goodness sakes I loved myself above all else. I was satisfied with just being me. 

With a new year around the corner, and so many changes ahead, it's time to build a new list....

But not today. I have some thinking to do. Where I was, where I am, where will I be...

Like An Old Friend...Without The Friendship

Well didn't November ever come in with a roar? (in a time where I just need some quiet whispers)
I don't really know what's going on inside me right now.  Maybe it's time to be vulnerable, and raw, and let a little bit out... maybe.

Maybe it's time to admit I am scared...terrified really. Scared of all this newness; of this inexperience.  Of this time of learning and spinning in circles not really knowing which way is up. Or down. Or even what is even-steven. Terrified. And it's gotten to me.

It's gotten to me, and I hate it, and I have no idea what to do but hold on tight and hope somewhere it levels out.

It has to level out.  My head is so full, and I am back to fighting demons everyday.  But what a great thing to know the demon...

Like an old friend...without the friendship.

And so it is... and I just need some whispering in the quiet.

Had To Get Out Of My Own Way

So here I am, the last day of my vacation in a country where life is vastly different from what I am used to in my everyday life.  It's been... culturally unforgiving; and the longer I am here, the more it makes me thinks about not only what I have back at home, but what can be different when I return to my everyday life.  I would like to think that I came here and took home with me a lesson of some sort - something that changed me... although I don't know that it has.

Has life become so busy in our realm that the magic of things no longer affects us?

I spent a few hours swimming with an endangered species.  The manatees of Belize are few in number, and still, I had the privilege of sharing their space for some time.  And as magnificent as they were, these ginormous gentle creatures, I found myself saying, "okay, what's next?".  When did I become so deficient in my attention to awe inspiring things? I can truly say I am saddened by it.

And I thought, okay, let's try this again... and we swam with sharks and sting rays and the most beautifully colored fish I have ever seen.  I watched coral sway as the ocean water washed through it, pushing life through all of it's being.  And still I looked for more... I put my head down, searching still for something to take my breath away, feeling it around me, yet not knowing where or when.  And then, right in front of me - literally right in front, swimming toward my belly (seriously I had to get out of it's way - or so I thought - maybe I had to get out of my own way - aha!) was this magnificent creature I didn't even know existed.

This gorgeous eagle ray, graceful, swift and exact, was past me, then in front of me, then behind me, and beside me, spinning me in circles of awe just to keep sight of it, but harder to see the more I looked for it.  "Get out of your own way and quit trying so damn hard..."   And there it was - over and over - if I just stopped looking for it and appreciate the fact that it's there - somewhere, still magnificent even if I can't see it every second, 

And suddenly... everything is still.

Put A Band Aid On It

Sometimes, in the reflection of time, or as I often say here, those moments of moving forward, I think about the lessons I truly learned, and I find I need to share them.  And sometimes, as any of you who read my thoughts along with me know, I share the story, and sometimes I don't.

The lesson:  Broken is an outcome of circumstance.  Healing is the choice to grow in the lesson as time moves forward.  Broken is momentary in comparison to the Healing.

The story:  ... haven't we all got our own?  Surely you don't need to revel in someone else's.

My point is, we've all been a little bit broken, but for where I stand today, I wouldn't trade this journey if it resulted in a different outcome... because this is what I have been waiting for my whole life.  So, if you find yourself a little broken, put a band aid on it (read it, write it, sing it, dance it, feel it, let the air go through it). It won't hurt forever.

The Place of Letting Go

There's a dark place I go to in my memory.  It happens every single time I hear the fighting, and the conflict and the ridiculous, self serving righteousness of ego.  It becomes raw, fast, like a hot knife in my skin making my blood boil with it's heat.... and I seethe resentment and smell of turmoil.  I can taste hatred.

I was not the first, and I am certainly not the last in this lonely place;  that place on the floor, in the wreckage of what once was, where hope fails and faith escapes us.  I know it, and I am sorry you are here.  I would tell you I know, but you won't believe me.  I could say I have heard the demons, but I know your voices aren't the same, although the language and syntax haunt me with familiarity.  I can't talk you out of the dark.  Not right now.  You won't hear it.  You can shut me out, and turn off the light.  You can turn off the world and scream of it's cruelties and madness.  You can wait for the nightmares to come.  And they will.

Here is the place, in the absence of myself, my strength and my need to hold on that I let go.  I let go of all of it - love, hope, faith, strength, will, tolerance, patience, breath... I let it all go until I was empty and there was nothing left but darkness.

It wasn't all bad in the letting go.  I let go of tolerance of being destroyed.  I let go of patience for lies and hurt. I let go of love I thought I knew, yet really didn't learn for many, many years later.  I let go of breath just to be able to breathe again.  I let go of my will to fail, and poured it into my will to get up.  I let go in the darkness to let the light in.

Knocked down seven...stood up eight...

I know this dark place you kneel in, begging for mercy.  The betrayal may be different, but the pain is the same.  I know the demons in the dark and I know what they say.  I see you shutting the door, knowing sometimes, the "right thing" isn't the right thing at all.

I want you to know, when you decide to let the light in, I will be there.  Your strength can start with my hands, helping you up - to stand for your second, or third or eighth time.  When you decide to come out of this "mess of yours", when you decide to not do this alone, I will be waiting.  You will not be alone.

I will let the light in when you let me.  I promise.

Love when you can.

Stand up eight.

And don't forget to become breathless.