Stand Up Eight

Get knocked down seven... stand up eight.

And stand I did... who knew I would get even taller?

I am starting to think the Universe is counting how many times I can get back up, and how much patience I have to put my feet under me, and rise.

The number is infinite.




Literary quote of the day: "..I write this post, hoping beyond hope that I'm not seen as an attention grabber but a truth-teller."  Jennifer Peterman Istvan
Radio quote of the day: "Sometimes doing the right thing, well, it just isn't right."  Adam McKale
Amica Stretta quote of the day: "Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it."  Tanya Hines
My own quote of the day: "I am glad to not understand that kind of hateful anger. That makes me a better person."  Me.


The number... is... infinite.

Peace Renewed

Right now, it's just before seven o'clock. The evening is cooling off, and I am acutely aware of the things around me. Every sound, every way the light settles around me. It's all renewed in this peace I have found.

The dogs are panting from the heat of the day. My girl is jumping on her trampoline, practicing like the next cheer season starts tomorrow. My boy is painting. I can hear trucks on the highway - one of my granddad's favorite sounds. The barbeque smells of recently cooked dinner, and the house is quieted of anything but hobbies. The patio set on the back deck my new space tonight to write.

I've been pondering myself a lot again. What I could have done differently, what I could have been more of. The thing is, I have really learned to be the person I would want to love. So, in my independence, and in my need to be in an equally independent relationship - I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can't change opinions of who I am or what I have given, but I can know that above all else, I was true to myself; and in that, I find extraordinary peace.

I have decided not partake in the negativity of all of this ending of things; the things that make us move forward. I have just chosen to be sufficiently satisfied with the Universe's decisions and what is now in front of me. The anger and sharpness that often accompanies endings - well it just isn't in who I've decided to be. Not after all this time, and all the work I have put into me.

I have seen hurt manifest itself in many ways. Blame, displacement of anger, resentment. I even, for a day or two, took it on myself. I even tried on for size the things that were said of me... they didn't fit. But that can't be my concern. It's not mine to own.

A light breeze is blowing, settling the Earth. I am content in it. This smile, and these thoughts of what's to come enthrall me. The path ahead of me is on fire and I have a hunger for the journey.



p.s... gosh I hate flying ants...even when it's peaceful... I mean really - what's their purpose? Better than flying spiders I suppose...

Dear Me...

It's been a while... again.  Funny, I was keeping my self from writing posts about moving forward in a blog titled "Moving Forward".  I've been very unfair to myself while trying to spare the feelings of others... or so I've been told.

Tonight, I found myself at the bottom of the shower, letting the tears wash out of me, and letting the water wash away emotion I had been stifling; pushing down to where I can't feel it.  I had forgotten that I am allowed to hurt.  I am allowed to feel anger and grief for parts of my heart that have broken.  It's okay that I feel loss.  I don't have to be so tough all the damn time.

And so I cried.  I let it all wash over me, and out of me.  From the top of my skull, I let the hot water rush over me, carrying my tears back down to the Earth where I stand.   I let what I carried be washed from hands, I let my strength, just for a moment, be drained.

I am back at my writing, renewed, and reminded why I write.  My heart is creased like the well read pages of a good book.  You see, when I love, I love with my whole heart.  I absorb people, I take them in.  I let them dog ear my pages, and put notes in my margins.  I open up, over and over again, loving the read.  And even when the creases and tears occur from careless wonder... I will always love the magic of it all.  Like being lost in a good book is being lost in my heart.  Go ahead, read.  Read my heart.  It's why I write... to let you in.

So for those tonight who sit and read, perhaps unexpectedly even, these are for you...


Dear Single Life,

I didn't think we'd meet again so soon.  I am here for a while, it's time to heal.  You have taught me in the past that it will all be okay, and I am strong enough to take on the world.  I welcome your challenge, but ask that you be gentle, and hold loneliness with closed hands so only bits get out at a time.


Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for reminding me tonight of my wings.  I will fly.


Dear his family,

Please know I will always love you, and I will miss you more than you will ever know.  There are many things I don't understand right now, and I almost hope the same is true for you.  I am struggling with this, perhaps the most... how is it that none of you seem to care about what's taken place?  How is it that it's okay for you to pretend I am strong enough for silence?


Dear him.

How is it that I wasn't enough?  How is silence the way to anything at all?



Dear Heart,

You will be okay, I promise... and I don't break promises these days.  You know what love is.  With all the things in life that are mediocre, do not accept love to be one of them.  There is someone that will return love beyond all boundaries.  Always be open to it.


Dear Soul Friend, Amica Stretta, and true friends,

Without you I am lost.  Thank you for finding me in the dark and pulling me into the light.  My heart is freer because of you.  I treasure you, never forget that for one second.


Dear Me...

You have been through so much.  The past fist fulls of days have been filled with sorrow, freedom, joy, and most of all - love in all it's facets.  I am very proud of you for becoming a person you can love before all others.  You are beautiful in your grace.  I look forward to our time together.  I look forward to a remarkable life with you.


Dear Melissa,

I, too, may need rummy gummy bears by the end of Friday... I am so glad you are in my days and make me smile.



Dear Smile...

Welcome back.  I've missed you.




And so my read along friends... one foot in front of the other...

Life Moves Forward. 

Speak With Simplicity

I've been thinking a lot lately about communication.  Everywhere I turn, it's in my face.  It's like I always say, when the Universe wants to reveal something to you, it won't stop until it has it's way.

I recently took part in a little seminar thing.  Yes, that's a technical term... It was all about personalities and integrating communication in a given environment.  Some of it was a lot of "yadda, yadda" (again a technical term), but some of it made a lot of sense.

The presenter asked, "how much of language, do you think is actual words?".  My guess was fifty percent, as I have, for a long time, based that assumption on the pretense of 'it's not what you say but how you say it".  I figured, words fifty, presentation fifty.  Turns out, I was WAY off.  The actual words we speak in effort of communication account for only seven, yes SEVEN percent of what we are trying to say.

Well no wonder my expectations are so damn high... I am expecting words to handle fifty percent of what I need to hear.  I have not created room in my expectation for personality, body language, definition, annunciation. I have allowed a world of fifty percent for words... What was I thinking...

Fast forward a couple of days, and introduce Doctor Phil.  Yeah, yeah, I know - Dr. Phil... Seriously, sometimes the dude just makes good sense.  Trust me on this one.  Even I was slapped in the face with "ohhmuhhhgawd".

So, I'm on the couch, watching Dr. Phil (quit judging me, seriously!).  There is a family in shambles - huge surprise.  It's full of drama, and "I hate you"s, and "how could you do this to me"s.  And the brilliant doctor turns to them and says, "I have read your interviews.  Every sentence, every single word.  I have never, in my time here, met a family that uses such catastrophic language!  You are destroying yourselves with words!"

Up on the screen behind him, a slide show started of manuscripts of their interviews.  And he had highlighted their words; "devastated", "ruined", "dead to me", "in shock".  He turns to the momma in this situation of family rivalry, and he says to her, "were you really devastated? Were your limbs taken from you, and you were lying in the middle of the floor, unable to stand vertically and function?  No.  You. Were. Not. Devastated.  You were sad.  Simply. Sad."

The realization of the impact of catastrophic language hit me; and following shortly, simplicity.  How much damage have I done in catastrophic language, and in excepting it as a form of communication.

And so there I sat, contemplating just how I got to this point of acceptance.  The answer, ironically, came to me in the fashion of exactly the communicative virus... silence.  In the face of the absence of communication, or, yes, silence, one tends to accept the words brought to them, no matter the form.

Let me tell you what else I have learned.  Silence, although often one of my favorite things to revel in, is the worst form of communication.  It is the absence of communication, and debilitating factor in the break down of everything that once was good.  A lot can be heard in silence, and like words, only seven percent of what we hear in silence may be the intended message; but add in some body language, personality and environment, and one may have themselves a full blown message.

So kids, today's lesson is simple communication.  When you have something to say, use words.  Fill them with truth, make them real, and for crying out loud, put it out there.  Speak... and speak the truth... even when your voice shakes.

Wise Words

A wise woman once said "when you are questioning something, be sure to look very closely as to why.  If you have to ask the question, you most likely already know the answer".

She's not wrong.

Unnerved

I wanted to share this...

Go ahead... watch it.  I'll wait.  Take it all in.  Watch a second time if you need to, or if you want to.  I did.  I watched it once, then again - two times in a row, then a third and a fourth.  It infected me.  It's been stuck in my head.  It's been tossing in my soul.  I don't know so much if it's the question of "what if money were no object?", or the ever present question of "what makes you happy?".  And to a further extent, "are you letting yourself be as happy as you could be?".

My soul has been screaming.  Screaming in pain, rather than joy.  My soul is stifled. It's stuck in tolerance, and getting by.  It's stuck with more questions than answers, and less effort than routines.  

It's an unnerving thing to be able to watch your own soul shaking you, screaming at you to listen.  It's more unnerving to turn a deaf ear to it, and knowing the excuse is fear.  Terrifying is a point of saying it out loud, knowing that beyond all those that aren't listening, someone is going to hear it.  

So here I am... unnerved.  

So now what?

Being Beautiful

I just read a quote.  No, really.  Three seconds before I started typing these words, I read this quote.

"Beautiful people do not just happen".

I have been wondering what my next writing project would be, or when it would show it's face, or rear it's head.  Heck, lately it's been a struggle just to take some time to jot down some words.  This quote got me today.

"Beautiful people do not just happen".  It's in the struggle.  It's in the fight.  It's in the facing demons and learning courage.  It's hearing someone call you "extraordinary", and being able to believe it.  It's working, everyday, on being better than yesterday.  And that is truly beautiful.

I know plenty of ugly people.  Now I am not talking about an outward appearance.  I am not talking about last year's shirt, or a hairstyle that doesn't suit.  I am talking about inwardly dark, miserable, hateful people.  Not only do I know enough of them, they have been planted in my life - perhaps to remind me to be beautiful... and graceful.

I've been struggling lately with some things; things that have made me grow, things that have reminded me of my past, and what I want for my future.  I have taken the struggle and grown.  I have fought, I still fight.  I aspire to be a beautiful person.  I intend to be better than the ugly people in my life, in society, occupying space with darkness.  I intend to bring light.

And so, I promise to "not just happen".  I promise to work harder tomorrow than I did today to become beautiful.  I promise to make someone angry for standing up for what I believe in. I will speak less when silence is more beautiful.  I will make myself proud in setting and reaching goals that mean something to me.  I will act in kindness, and welcome grace.  I will learn, and I will teach. I will cultivate gratitude.  I will love.

This is how I will live with intention... this is how I will be beautiful.

Go ahead, be beautiful too.