Beyond the Mask

Let me tell you something I have learned.  When you are going through Hell, you really learn the truth about who loves you, and who truly knows how to love unconditionally.

It's kind of a harsh statement in it's reality, isn't it?    Not everyone knows how to just love; love without boundaries, love beyond hurt, love despite pain.  Not everyone can see past themselves into another human to feel what their soul feels.  Not everyone even cares to try.

But when you find the rare ones that show up when it's dark... well now, that's the treasure.  And isn't it curious who still looks the same when the Universe gives you vision to see beyond the mask?

Healing Rain

The rain is drenching the Earth.  Settled dust from the season past is rolling across the still warm pavement from the heat of last week, and the week before.  It's a necessary cooling, a necessary catharsis.

The clouds have been holding the rain; taunting us with it, the smell lingering in the air like an omen.  The winds have blown, whipped us even, until we wrapped ourselves in protection, waiting for the storm.  And here it is, in all it's calm exasperation.

The Earth... and myself, have been in a state of waiting.  I have been patiently on stand by for this.  Last night, the rains came.  The Earth opened up it's hands to the heavens and soaked it in.  It's healing the cracks, it's hydrating the lifelessness in the thirsty flowers.  It's dowsing the slow burn that's been stripping us down to a state of raw beginning.  

I thirst for this life and this newness... this opportunity to start fresh and move into a new season.  The dust has been settled from it's torture.  Drink in the rarefaction.  Let it purify your soul, and be true to yourself. 

It's time to heal.  

Sing In The Storm

It finally raining.  I mean really raining.  I was standing out on the deck - you know, leaning on the railing, holding up the Universe.... and I realized something as I looked out into the dark tonight.  I can still hear the frogs singing in the storm.

I like the song they sing.  They understand one can sing in the rain and no one or no thing decides their rhythm.

Good night soul friends.  Sing in the storm.  

I Never Did Care For Pie

It's Mother's Day.  Sunday morning, early.  No one else has stirred yet; just me and my coffee.  It's been a morning of contemplation.  There are so many words to put down, and yet, none that seem right.  

I woke up from a dream of being stuck in an elevator that was about to fall.  There was myself and a another young, shy young Indian woman I had just met with me.  The door had just opened to the floor we needed to exit the elevator to, and a cable snapped, dropping the elevator on the left side, shifting and threatening to fall.  The young girl's eyes were huge with fear.  I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the opened door, and forced to go before me, following quickly behind her.  The elevator never did fall.  I turned to see it shifted in it's place.  The girl with me, in her blue dress, had disappeared, and I spent the rest of that dream looking for her in the building we were in.  And when I found her, the dream ended... 

I woke up a bit... edgy.  Wondering if this content functionality of my life nowadays is about to shift, and fall out of control... and all I do is make sure everyone else is okay before I get to where I need to be.  Honestly, I am humbled by knowing that this is my process, but see the terrifying reality of it - always with the last man standing's needs... and as I keep typing, it call becomes clearer and clearer.  

This dream left me thinking one thing for sure.  Of all of the things I have not done right, being the mom I am, and raising my children the way I do, is something I got just right.  I do that perfectly.  Happy Mother's Day to me... 

  

"A good mother is a person, who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, 

promptly announces she never did care for pie." 

~ Tenneva Jordan

Stand Up Eight

Get knocked down seven... stand up eight.

And stand I did... who knew I would get even taller?

I am starting to think the Universe is counting how many times I can get back up, and how much patience I have to put my feet under me, and rise.

The number is infinite.




Literary quote of the day: "..I write this post, hoping beyond hope that I'm not seen as an attention grabber but a truth-teller."  Jennifer Peterman Istvan
Radio quote of the day: "Sometimes doing the right thing, well, it just isn't right."  Adam McKale
Amica Stretta quote of the day: "Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it."  Tanya Hines
My own quote of the day: "I am glad to not understand that kind of hateful anger. That makes me a better person."  Me.


The number... is... infinite.

Peace Renewed

Right now, it's just before seven o'clock. The evening is cooling off, and I am acutely aware of the things around me. Every sound, every way the light settles around me. It's all renewed in this peace I have found.

The dogs are panting from the heat of the day. My girl is jumping on her trampoline, practicing like the next cheer season starts tomorrow. My boy is painting. I can hear trucks on the highway - one of my granddad's favorite sounds. The barbeque smells of recently cooked dinner, and the house is quieted of anything but hobbies. The patio set on the back deck my new space tonight to write.

I've been pondering myself a lot again. What I could have done differently, what I could have been more of. The thing is, I have really learned to be the person I would want to love. So, in my independence, and in my need to be in an equally independent relationship - I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can't change opinions of who I am or what I have given, but I can know that above all else, I was true to myself; and in that, I find extraordinary peace.

I have decided not partake in the negativity of all of this ending of things; the things that make us move forward. I have just chosen to be sufficiently satisfied with the Universe's decisions and what is now in front of me. The anger and sharpness that often accompanies endings - well it just isn't in who I've decided to be. Not after all this time, and all the work I have put into me.

I have seen hurt manifest itself in many ways. Blame, displacement of anger, resentment. I even, for a day or two, took it on myself. I even tried on for size the things that were said of me... they didn't fit. But that can't be my concern. It's not mine to own.

A light breeze is blowing, settling the Earth. I am content in it. This smile, and these thoughts of what's to come enthrall me. The path ahead of me is on fire and I have a hunger for the journey.



p.s... gosh I hate flying ants...even when it's peaceful... I mean really - what's their purpose? Better than flying spiders I suppose...

Dear Me...

It's been a while... again.  Funny, I was keeping my self from writing posts about moving forward in a blog titled "Moving Forward".  I've been very unfair to myself while trying to spare the feelings of others... or so I've been told.

Tonight, I found myself at the bottom of the shower, letting the tears wash out of me, and letting the water wash away emotion I had been stifling; pushing down to where I can't feel it.  I had forgotten that I am allowed to hurt.  I am allowed to feel anger and grief for parts of my heart that have broken.  It's okay that I feel loss.  I don't have to be so tough all the damn time.

And so I cried.  I let it all wash over me, and out of me.  From the top of my skull, I let the hot water rush over me, carrying my tears back down to the Earth where I stand.   I let what I carried be washed from hands, I let my strength, just for a moment, be drained.

I am back at my writing, renewed, and reminded why I write.  My heart is creased like the well read pages of a good book.  You see, when I love, I love with my whole heart.  I absorb people, I take them in.  I let them dog ear my pages, and put notes in my margins.  I open up, over and over again, loving the read.  And even when the creases and tears occur from careless wonder... I will always love the magic of it all.  Like being lost in a good book is being lost in my heart.  Go ahead, read.  Read my heart.  It's why I write... to let you in.

So for those tonight who sit and read, perhaps unexpectedly even, these are for you...


Dear Single Life,

I didn't think we'd meet again so soon.  I am here for a while, it's time to heal.  You have taught me in the past that it will all be okay, and I am strong enough to take on the world.  I welcome your challenge, but ask that you be gentle, and hold loneliness with closed hands so only bits get out at a time.


Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for reminding me tonight of my wings.  I will fly.


Dear his family,

Please know I will always love you, and I will miss you more than you will ever know.  There are many things I don't understand right now, and I almost hope the same is true for you.  I am struggling with this, perhaps the most... how is it that none of you seem to care about what's taken place?  How is it that it's okay for you to pretend I am strong enough for silence?


Dear him.

How is it that I wasn't enough?  How is silence the way to anything at all?



Dear Heart,

You will be okay, I promise... and I don't break promises these days.  You know what love is.  With all the things in life that are mediocre, do not accept love to be one of them.  There is someone that will return love beyond all boundaries.  Always be open to it.


Dear Soul Friend, Amica Stretta, and true friends,

Without you I am lost.  Thank you for finding me in the dark and pulling me into the light.  My heart is freer because of you.  I treasure you, never forget that for one second.


Dear Me...

You have been through so much.  The past fist fulls of days have been filled with sorrow, freedom, joy, and most of all - love in all it's facets.  I am very proud of you for becoming a person you can love before all others.  You are beautiful in your grace.  I look forward to our time together.  I look forward to a remarkable life with you.


Dear Melissa,

I, too, may need rummy gummy bears by the end of Friday... I am so glad you are in my days and make me smile.



Dear Smile...

Welcome back.  I've missed you.




And so my read along friends... one foot in front of the other...

Life Moves Forward.