Nightmares and Ease

I got caught up in a nightmare last night. (hello demons...it's been a while...)

Or maybe it was this morning.

I was trapped. Held down. Couldn't move.

I was screaming... silently at first, but willed myself to find some noise.  (when is this ever going to end)

No one could hear me.  And yet I kicked and screamed. (and no one came)

I woke up in a sweat so intense my sheets were soaked.  My body was hot with confusion and all the same but entirely different - icy in fear.


...



You told me you were having trouble sleeping, that the night is sometimes just too long...
"But", I said to you, "You sleep just fine when I am here; infact, you have peace?"
"Yes.  When you are here with me, I have ease."


I don't know that I entirely understood until whatever time it was that my world was shook, and my body filled with terror, felt your hand wrap around me...and there was ease.


For the first time, I wasn't alone when it was over...

Beyond grateful.

Still Standing

In the beginning of 365 Days of Gratitude, and through out my continued writing since, I have always taken an extreme amount of pride in people commenting on how much they appreciate how I put my feeling out there for everyone; to be related to, to be raw and somewhat fearless of judgement, to be...tangible.  Thing is, every time I open this space of writing, I have this draft sitting... not published, not put out there, hiding in the ranks. I hate that.  So tonight, I thought I'd share it. It's all part of the moving forward, after all.  It can't all be shiny all the time in the depths of the twisty insides among the demons when they roar.  This is part of it, part of me, one more brick out of the wall...

This (until now) unpublished post was written at the end of June, after a night of battling demons, and not only my own.  And today, I am more than grateful for just planting my feet, knowing what feels like home more and more every single day.



June 29, 2014

I thought today about giving up.  Just walking away...  I thought today about people who aren't ready to be part of something where love grows,  and how incredibly sad inside they are.  It's not my place to fix anymore,  I know that,  so I thought,  maybe for today,  I should just walk away...

The thing is,  my heart would break ...  And so would his.  And I don't really know right now that this over repaired heart could take it. I'm not so sure there would be any pieces to put back together.

And aren't I always good at that anyways?  Walking away so it's easier for someone else?  I wonder if it's ever going to be entirely my turn,  where it's not hard,  and I don't feel like part of me has to hide to let someone else shine.

Sometimes the biggest battles won are the ones you decide to just let go by silently, and watch the rewards in what doesn't fall down in it's path. 

Still standing. 

Onward now... go on. 

Didn't I Bring You This Far?

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan."

I just had one of those moments... those overwhelmed, need to have everything planned, how is everything going to work out, gotta make it all work... unsettled...

I would like to say I had a poetic moment of reminder; one that caressed over me like a soft summer breeze.  But the truth is, it kinda slapped me in the face like an abrupt attempt at stopping hysteria... Just let it be. Take a deep breath, and just leave it alone.  It will come to you... whatever it is that is supposed to be, it will come in it's own time...

"After all", said the Universe," didn't I bring you this far?  Just Believe."

Sometimes the hardest thing is the faith in it all.

But then again... 

...this happened when I wasn't looking. 

Someday

There's something strange here in the silence; in the place I touch where you should be laying close to me.  My hand flat, lifelessness under it instead of a beating heart and quiet breath. If I close my eyes, I can see you there... smiling.  Your eyes full with a thousand lives behind us, and just one ahead...

When you are away from me, my soul... it reaches.  It stretches to defy the boundaries of the timelessness that has wrapped us up and holds us in quiet grace.

There is a place will I meet you. Where whispers linger, and touches are gentle like an autumn breeze.  There is a time when we will not have to be without, where time's boundaries vanish like smudged lines that outline our framed existence.  There is a drink for my soul that will quench every thirst and nourish me with all of you....

It's there for the taking...

And someday we will.

Someday.

This Too Shall Pass

It's been a dark and twisty week for me.  It happens when, every day, I have to do something that eats at who I am; that consists of everything I loathe; that I ran from, swearing to never return for the good of my own sanity.  And then I remember, "this too shall pass".

This four word phrase, learned from my momma, has been the savior in all things I have been through.  I remember her saying it.. a lot.  I recall teenage heartache, or girlie fights, or trivial poor exam results, and she would say "this too shall pass".  And wedding planning panic, and child birth pain, and late night worries of a baby's cough.. and I would hear, if only in my head, "this too shall pass".  Even in financial stress... "this too shall pass".

I remember many days that consisted of thinking I wasn't going to get up off the floor, and being reminded "this too shall pass"; through shattered pieces, fear, and tears, tomorrow is a new day.  No matter what, the sun is still climbing in tomorrow's sky, and will move the hands of time regardless of what we put in it's path.  Time will pass.

As I sat at dinner tonight with my mom, I started to hear it, but I heard it differently.  This talk about my need for independence and in it defiance; security blankets; apron strings, and bricks in walls... "This too shall pass".  This leash that holds me back from what is right in front of me... "this too shall pass".

I almost wonder if she heard it too, not so differently,  in the little bit she lets go, just enough to let me fly, and how she hurts to see me want to go... "this too shall pass".

With every struggle comes relief of it all - when the time passes, and our wisdom grows.  A time where scars cover open wounds, because nothing can remain broken forever...even a fragile heart. That too, has passed.

In Love With The Night

Sometimes I wish my eyes could snap photographs and I could print out all the memories I want to hold onto... I mean tangibly, right there to revisit - hold on to.

I laid in bed watching him in the moonlight last night.  The room was blue with nightfall, moon light streaming in, and gently laying shadows across his face.  I laid my hand on the side of his face, in all of his peacefulness, knowing very well the extent of his contented heart, and in it, my own.

Even in his sleep, he smiles.

This moment, preciously, will forever be kept in my soul.  And all over again, I am in love with the night.

Every Time I Look At You

Look at you... just standing there
The whole world still
In the summer air.
I breathe you in,
You hold my soul.
If you could see this world unfold.
Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

I have watched the sun set on your skin
This feeling inside,
Where’ve you been
Moon beams flashed in your eyes tonight
Me and you, wrapped in twightlight
You are the brightest star in my sky,
You are my every reason why.

I have to catch my breath when I see
That face of yours smiling at me
Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

I never knew
This love till now
Just looking at you
You’ve shown me how.
The things that I see,
I’ve never known
I’m down on my knees
Don’t ever go.

Every kiss, every touch
Every moment I feel so much
The entire world is all brand new
Every time I look at you.

Every time...
Don’t you see.
My soul is home.
This is you and me.
Close your eyes, see it too
What I see, when I see you.