Had To Get Out Of My Own Way

So here I am, the last day of my vacation in a country where life is vastly different from what I am used to in my everyday life.  It's been... culturally unforgiving; and the longer I am here, the more it makes me thinks about not only what I have back at home, but what can be different when I return to my everyday life.  I would like to think that I came here and took home with me a lesson of some sort - something that changed me... although I don't know that it has.

Has life become so busy in our realm that the magic of things no longer affects us?

I spent a few hours swimming with an endangered species.  The manatees of Belize are few in number, and still, I had the privilege of sharing their space for some time.  And as magnificent as they were, these ginormous gentle creatures, I found myself saying, "okay, what's next?".  When did I become so deficient in my attention to awe inspiring things? I can truly say I am saddened by it.

And I thought, okay, let's try this again... and we swam with sharks and sting rays and the most beautifully colored fish I have ever seen.  I watched coral sway as the ocean water washed through it, pushing life through all of it's being.  And still I looked for more... I put my head down, searching still for something to take my breath away, feeling it around me, yet not knowing where or when.  And then, right in front of me - literally right in front, swimming toward my belly (seriously I had to get out of it's way - or so I thought - maybe I had to get out of my own way - aha!) was this magnificent creature I didn't even know existed.

This gorgeous eagle ray, graceful, swift and exact, was past me, then in front of me, then behind me, and beside me, spinning me in circles of awe just to keep sight of it, but harder to see the more I looked for it.  "Get out of your own way and quit trying so damn hard..."   And there it was - over and over - if I just stopped looking for it and appreciate the fact that it's there - somewhere, still magnificent even if I can't see it every second, 

And suddenly... everything is still.

Put A Band Aid On It

Sometimes, in the reflection of time, or as I often say here, those moments of moving forward, I think about the lessons I truly learned, and I find I need to share them.  And sometimes, as any of you who read my thoughts along with me know, I share the story, and sometimes I don't.

The lesson:  Broken is an outcome of circumstance.  Healing is the choice to grow in the lesson as time moves forward.  Broken is momentary in comparison to the Healing.

The story:  ... haven't we all got our own?  Surely you don't need to revel in someone else's.

My point is, we've all been a little bit broken, but for where I stand today, I wouldn't trade this journey if it resulted in a different outcome... because this is what I have been waiting for my whole life.  So, if you find yourself a little broken, put a band aid on it (read it, write it, sing it, dance it, feel it, let the air go through it). It won't hurt forever.

The Place of Letting Go

There's a dark place I go to in my memory.  It happens every single time I hear the fighting, and the conflict and the ridiculous, self serving righteousness of ego.  It becomes raw, fast, like a hot knife in my skin making my blood boil with it's heat.... and I seethe resentment and smell of turmoil.  I can taste hatred.

I was not the first, and I am certainly not the last in this lonely place;  that place on the floor, in the wreckage of what once was, where hope fails and faith escapes us.  I know it, and I am sorry you are here.  I would tell you I know, but you won't believe me.  I could say I have heard the demons, but I know your voices aren't the same, although the language and syntax haunt me with familiarity.  I can't talk you out of the dark.  Not right now.  You won't hear it.  You can shut me out, and turn off the light.  You can turn off the world and scream of it's cruelties and madness.  You can wait for the nightmares to come.  And they will.

Here is the place, in the absence of myself, my strength and my need to hold on that I let go.  I let go of all of it - love, hope, faith, strength, will, tolerance, patience, breath... I let it all go until I was empty and there was nothing left but darkness.

It wasn't all bad in the letting go.  I let go of tolerance of being destroyed.  I let go of patience for lies and hurt. I let go of love I thought I knew, yet really didn't learn for many, many years later.  I let go of breath just to be able to breathe again.  I let go of my will to fail, and poured it into my will to get up.  I let go in the darkness to let the light in.

Knocked down seven...stood up eight...

I know this dark place you kneel in, begging for mercy.  The betrayal may be different, but the pain is the same.  I know the demons in the dark and I know what they say.  I see you shutting the door, knowing sometimes, the "right thing" isn't the right thing at all.

I want you to know, when you decide to let the light in, I will be there.  Your strength can start with my hands, helping you up - to stand for your second, or third or eighth time.  When you decide to come out of this "mess of yours", when you decide to not do this alone, I will be waiting.  You will not be alone.

I will let the light in when you let me.  I promise.

Love when you can.

Stand up eight.

And don't forget to become breathless.

Just Give Me A Nod

I think I figured it out. "It" being what's been up my ass lately... This unsettled chaotic feeling of push and pull without any give.

I am thirty eight years old and I still don't feel like I have gotten my shit together.  Don't get me wrong.  This isn't a woe is me, self pity, crappy monolog blog about how terrible my life is.  My life is pretty awesome.  The simple fact is, I dislike things hanging in the air.  I dislike incomplete, indecisiveness - and my whole world is filled with it right now.  I feel like I am still trying to figure out life every single day, and I keep waiting for someone to nod or something when I get it right.

Let's review - I didn't get my first crack at college right (nor my second for that matter:). I didn't get my first crack at marriage right. I haven't found a job/career I truly love.  Hell, I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - but I never seem to stop growing up!  I struggle daily in a job I can't stand to pay bills (I know - story of 85% of society's life), tossing around things I might want to do - fighting in between sensible - it's what the job market demands- and what I want to do but can't afford because of the time and finance required - and who can take time out of their every day job to make a path to a new one?! Bah!

Let me tell you what I did get right - parenting.  I am one kick ass momma mia.  But even in that, some days, when I let thoughts creep into my head about change, and what I want, I can feel like a failure in about half of a split second.  I didn't have kids to make decisions about me... It's not my time to decide what's best for me.  Right?  Don't worry - I won't listen if you try to tell me differently or "if momma ain't happy...".  My life is more than just my own. Period. My decisions have three factors, sometimes more.

I rarely look back at the mess of relationships I left behind.  I really, truly do just see them all as lessons to get me where I am... and where I am is amazing.  I am crazy in love with the most glorious human being, whom I am sure, has been crafted just for me, and placed in my path with a big red shiny bow on his head - with a note that read "Go ahead now... Love.  Hugs and kisses - The Universe".  Now didn't I know better than to think that would come without a challenge? Of course I did.  The Universe put him three hours away from me, and said, "feel your soul ache... and figure out what that means..."

Shit.

I came home yesterday and said "what a peculiar feeling this is to stand in the place I have been all of my life, and yet it feels less and less like home every day".  How the hell did that happen??  Let me tell you how that happened - or shall I say, let me tell you how he reminded me this happened... "Home is where the heart is..."

Throw another ball in the air.

Why won't someone just nod?!

Just nod when I think of how to make this house better for us, or how I can handle things better.  Say warmer or colder when I toss around jobs or glance the right away at a .... dare I say... career...For goodness sakes shake your head no if I ever want another animal (this place is one monkey short of a zoo).  Nod when I've done something right... for the love of all things good... just give me the nod.

Seriously... just nod.

Pfewf... I feel better already.

Nightmares and Ease

I got caught up in a nightmare last night. (hello demons...it's been a while...)

Or maybe it was this morning.

I was trapped. Held down. Couldn't move.

I was screaming... silently at first, but willed myself to find some noise.  (when is this ever going to end)

No one could hear me.  And yet I kicked and screamed. (and no one came)

I woke up in a sweat so intense my sheets were soaked.  My body was hot with confusion and all the same but entirely different - icy in fear.


...



You told me you were having trouble sleeping, that the night is sometimes just too long...
"But", I said to you, "You sleep just fine when I am here; infact, you have peace?"
"Yes.  When you are here with me, I have ease."


I don't know that I entirely understood until whatever time it was that my world was shook, and my body filled with terror, felt your hand wrap around me...and there was ease.


For the first time, I wasn't alone when it was over...

Beyond grateful.

Still Standing

In the beginning of 365 Days of Gratitude, and through out my continued writing since, I have always taken an extreme amount of pride in people commenting on how much they appreciate how I put my feeling out there for everyone; to be related to, to be raw and somewhat fearless of judgement, to be...tangible.  Thing is, every time I open this space of writing, I have this draft sitting... not published, not put out there, hiding in the ranks. I hate that.  So tonight, I thought I'd share it. It's all part of the moving forward, after all.  It can't all be shiny all the time in the depths of the twisty insides among the demons when they roar.  This is part of it, part of me, one more brick out of the wall...

This (until now) unpublished post was written at the end of June, after a night of battling demons, and not only my own.  And today, I am more than grateful for just planting my feet, knowing what feels like home more and more every single day.



June 29, 2014

I thought today about giving up.  Just walking away...  I thought today about people who aren't ready to be part of something where love grows,  and how incredibly sad inside they are.  It's not my place to fix anymore,  I know that,  so I thought,  maybe for today,  I should just walk away...

The thing is,  my heart would break ...  And so would his.  And I don't really know right now that this over repaired heart could take it. I'm not so sure there would be any pieces to put back together.

And aren't I always good at that anyways?  Walking away so it's easier for someone else?  I wonder if it's ever going to be entirely my turn,  where it's not hard,  and I don't feel like part of me has to hide to let someone else shine.

Sometimes the biggest battles won are the ones you decide to just let go by silently, and watch the rewards in what doesn't fall down in it's path. 

Still standing. 

Onward now... go on. 

Didn't I Bring You This Far?

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan."

I just had one of those moments... those overwhelmed, need to have everything planned, how is everything going to work out, gotta make it all work... unsettled...

I would like to say I had a poetic moment of reminder; one that caressed over me like a soft summer breeze.  But the truth is, it kinda slapped me in the face like an abrupt attempt at stopping hysteria... Just let it be. Take a deep breath, and just leave it alone.  It will come to you... whatever it is that is supposed to be, it will come in it's own time...

"After all", said the Universe," didn't I bring you this far?  Just Believe."

Sometimes the hardest thing is the faith in it all.

But then again... 

...this happened when I wasn't looking.