I Am Pressed Against The Earth.

"I am pressed so hard against the Earth by the weight of reality that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet to walk"
 ~Katja Millay~

Every once in a while, I come across someone else's words that linger in my head; sing to my soul. A trip to a bookstore a few weeks back put this one in my hands. I read it over and over again, feeling it's edges rip into me. It's exactly right.

Part of the moving forward is going through the pain. There is no other to other way other than through it, and I have had a bitch of a handful of weeks of late. I took a long hard look at what's been going on, and in trying to heal from it, I have found, that I have not been authentic to myself. I have barely been letting myself feel, never mind heal. I have been wearing a mask that outwardly says I am okay. I have been smiling and nodding making my presence comfortable for those around me. When asked how I am, I politely answer "I am great, thanks".

And now, I have come to this point of true pain and in-authenticity. So just for right now, in this moment, I am going to allow myself to say it. Hell, I may even allow myself some tears while I say it. And please, if you don't want to hear it, please stop reading now. Carry on with your blissful ignorance that people can actually exist in their days with masked pain, and accept my answers when I say I am fine.

I am not okay. I am hurt. I am heartbroken, and filled with a sorrow that could drown me. Every inch of my body is feeling this crushing pain, that, even though I know I can endure, I really just want to numb. I am angry, and furious at the selfish decisions of others and the lies that plague this fragile heart of mine. I am torn apart inside feeling inadequate and silent. I am anguished by the uncontrollable motives of people who have claimed to care for me. I. Am. Not. Okay.

I escape to the places that my heart loves the most, and I have begged the Earth to please just take this pain away and make me forget this reality that me pressed so hard my feet feel like they are cemented into this place of pain. This reality needs to end...

So, please, if you are still reading this, and you really do not want to know how I am, please stop asking. The answer is bound to be "broken" for some time. Unless you are prepared to be asked which societally acceptable answer you would like in return, please stop asking me "how things are". Things are fucked - and I'm not sure what to say about it all. I don't even know what to feel about it all - betrayed? Foolish? Like I want to punch a couple of people in the face and then go get myself some ice cream?

Do not think that me sitting down to write this, opening up all parts of myself that are raw and vulnerable that I am just going to fold into a puddle of tears and evaporate, only lingering in existence. I have come too far for that. But I am going to allow myself to feel. And from it all, I will resource a power to do good; to be better. I will find that light that fills the cracks and use it to illuminate something beyond all measure, and you can see - that moving forward comes with healing, and a healed soul is capable of greatness.

I will be okay...just not today. Today I will just be human, and I really don't care if you don't like it.