Lines In The Sand

When I was about half way through 365 Days Of Gratitude, a dear friend of mine told me she admired the way I put myself out there for everyone to read and bared parts of me I would normally hide. I was proud of it.  Well the truth is, in all this moving forward, I haven't been doing that at all.  Everything has been bottled up inside me, trying to spare feelings, or hide hurt.  It's time to stop it.  Stop. It.  I have always been very proud of learning to be true to myself.  Now is not a time that should be an exception.  So here goes... back to being me...

I woke up this morning with an empty space; with a kind of lonely I hate knowing.  The sun is shining, a breeze is blowing... it's a beautiful morning... and, for just a moment, I let myself contemplate just staying in bed.  It's not like I haven't woken up alone before.  Hell, I've been doing it for years.  But it's different now.  I know the company I will be keeping for the day ahead, and she mostly lives in my head... she's the only person who's honesty can shake my soul.  She's good at telling me everything I am doing wrong, and she pokes fun at my heart, calling it stupid.  She's unforgiving and the most forgiving in the same breath, and she's also the one who talked me out of bed today.

I've been quiet through this struggle in the past weeks, knowing the defeat of angry words and refusing to let them win.  I've held my tongue in preservation of heart break.  I've held my soul close in preservation of breaking apart entirely some days.  I've also held my chin up in the face of the expectation of how I should be portraying myself, once again, staring down demons.  Learned strength really does make it easier.

I find myself staring at the line in the sand that's been drawn for me, wondering if I should tempt it all and kick dirt in it's face, forcing it backwards, or if I should just turn around, and walk away... or perhaps run.  The one in my head, well she has all the answers... none of them right.  And she thought she was so smart...

Thumper's Rule and Bambi's Lesson

I said I was going to bed early.  I haven't been getting enough sleep.  My brain has been in overload for weeks, one lesson after another, one surprise or twist to the next.  It's like being caught up in a tornado, but enjoying the breeze.  It's not early, I am clearly not asleep. Epic fail... windy and liking it...

I've been thinking a lot today about being accountable for what comes out of one's mouth.  Most people don't think about impact of words before they spew them.  It has been a point of awareness for me for some time now.  Sometimes I think we have lessons in a day.  Today's lesson was that of the "Bambi Rule" (which is actually Thumper's rule and Bambi's lesson, but let's not split hares here... Hares!  Ha! See what I did there?!)

"If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all."

I repeated the same sentences four times today with this rule in mind.  Some of it was advice, some of it was a rule of my own.  Right now, I would like it to be a reminder to every single person who interacts with another human being at any point - so, simply - everyone.  Are you ready?

Angry words are a waste of energy.  Do not participate in them.  I refuse to destroy another person in anyway in order to make myself feel better or more powerful.  If I cannot speak without spite or anger, I simply will not speak. 

And now having said that, I will add there's no point in speaking when there's no one that will listen.

I have watched people over the past few days belittle others to make a point to attempt to accomplish a goal.  The result has been resentment and returned anger.  The result was more struggle, and no forward movement.  A stalemate of ire.

What is so difficult about simply being kind?  Everyone you meet has a past, a present struggle, and future not yet unfolded.   Be someone that eases the pain, lessens the struggle, and brightens the path ahead; and if you cannot, then simply - go away.  And please, do so quietly. There's been enough noise in this world, and it's gotten us no where.

You're Beautiful

I spent my weekend being surrounded by beautiful women; women who, if asked if they knew they were incredible, would roll their eyes and say "oh, please....".

Some of them will be reading this.  And for them, I have this to say to you:  I wish you all could see yourselves through my eyes.  I wish for you to see what I see.

There is no woman in my life who has had the impact the mother has, and she is the blindest of them all.  She is stunning.  She has the bluest eyes I have ever seen, and I smile I miss the second I can't see it. She has taught me strength, she has taught me unconditional love.  She knows my decisions before I make them.  She carries a beauty that shines.  Beautiful.

I saw another amazing mom today that would fit the same bill... amazing - and not a chance she wouldn't blush at the suggestion... and yet she oozes pure love for her children, grand children and everyone touching their lives. She shines in Amica Stretta...

Amica Stretta - who is stunning to me.  She makes me want to be a better person just by being in my life.  She is strong, and commanding.  She is true, and whole.  She is sharp witted, and loyal... She is beautiful.

There is some family who never leaves, no matter the circumstance.  There is family who just sticks to my heart.  I see her, and she shines.  Her love is apparent.  She shines with goodness.  I am in awe of her golden heart, her spirit, her love for family.  I see her, and she makes me long for family in a way that shakes my core.  Tracy, you are beautiful... and it shines right through your children.

The Universe has recently offered up new sisters for the Ya Ya... ;)  and they are full of beauty.  The laughter they bring me fills my soul.  The secrets we share, the trials we hold hands through...  Their beauty, unseen to them, makes me realize my own beauty.  There is a power in one.. sweet singer... so huge, she hides from it.  She has no idea how beautiful she is.  Not even close, not even a little.   I want her to read this and know her impact.  There are moments, I see you, and I am in awe.  You are grace.

Everywhere I turn right now, is filled with these amazing women, who barely know the level of their incredible states of being.  These few just scratch the surface.  I could write all night about the women who have impacted my life.  So, if no one else tells you today, you are beautiful.  And just for a minute, see yourself through my eyes.  It's an incredible experience.

Do not, my beauties, for one second, question how beautiful you are.

Beyond the Mask

Let me tell you something I have learned.  When you are going through Hell, you really learn the truth about who loves you, and who truly knows how to love unconditionally.

It's kind of a harsh statement in it's reality, isn't it?    Not everyone knows how to just love; love without boundaries, love beyond hurt, love despite pain.  Not everyone can see past themselves into another human to feel what their soul feels.  Not everyone even cares to try.

But when you find the rare ones that show up when it's dark... well now, that's the treasure.  And isn't it curious who still looks the same when the Universe gives you vision to see beyond the mask?

Healing Rain

The rain is drenching the Earth.  Settled dust from the season past is rolling across the still warm pavement from the heat of last week, and the week before.  It's a necessary cooling, a necessary catharsis.

The clouds have been holding the rain; taunting us with it, the smell lingering in the air like an omen.  The winds have blown, whipped us even, until we wrapped ourselves in protection, waiting for the storm.  And here it is, in all it's calm exasperation.

The Earth... and myself, have been in a state of waiting.  I have been patiently on stand by for this.  Last night, the rains came.  The Earth opened up it's hands to the heavens and soaked it in.  It's healing the cracks, it's hydrating the lifelessness in the thirsty flowers.  It's dowsing the slow burn that's been stripping us down to a state of raw beginning.  

I thirst for this life and this newness... this opportunity to start fresh and move into a new season.  The dust has been settled from it's torture.  Drink in the rarefaction.  Let it purify your soul, and be true to yourself. 

It's time to heal.  

Sing In The Storm

It finally raining.  I mean really raining.  I was standing out on the deck - you know, leaning on the railing, holding up the Universe.... and I realized something as I looked out into the dark tonight.  I can still hear the frogs singing in the storm.

I like the song they sing.  They understand one can sing in the rain and no one or no thing decides their rhythm.

Good night soul friends.  Sing in the storm.  

I Never Did Care For Pie

It's Mother's Day.  Sunday morning, early.  No one else has stirred yet; just me and my coffee.  It's been a morning of contemplation.  There are so many words to put down, and yet, none that seem right.  

I woke up from a dream of being stuck in an elevator that was about to fall.  There was myself and a another young, shy young Indian woman I had just met with me.  The door had just opened to the floor we needed to exit the elevator to, and a cable snapped, dropping the elevator on the left side, shifting and threatening to fall.  The young girl's eyes were huge with fear.  I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the opened door, and forced to go before me, following quickly behind her.  The elevator never did fall.  I turned to see it shifted in it's place.  The girl with me, in her blue dress, had disappeared, and I spent the rest of that dream looking for her in the building we were in.  And when I found her, the dream ended... 

I woke up a bit... edgy.  Wondering if this content functionality of my life nowadays is about to shift, and fall out of control... and all I do is make sure everyone else is okay before I get to where I need to be.  Honestly, I am humbled by knowing that this is my process, but see the terrifying reality of it - always with the last man standing's needs... and as I keep typing, it call becomes clearer and clearer.  

This dream left me thinking one thing for sure.  Of all of the things I have not done right, being the mom I am, and raising my children the way I do, is something I got just right.  I do that perfectly.  Happy Mother's Day to me... 

  

"A good mother is a person, who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, 

promptly announces she never did care for pie." 

~ Tenneva Jordan