Lines In The Sand

When I was about half way through 365 Days Of Gratitude, a dear friend of mine told me she admired the way I put myself out there for everyone to read and bared parts of me I would normally hide. I was proud of it.  Well the truth is, in all this moving forward, I haven't been doing that at all.  Everything has been bottled up inside me, trying to spare feelings, or hide hurt.  It's time to stop it.  Stop. It.  I have always been very proud of learning to be true to myself.  Now is not a time that should be an exception.  So here goes... back to being me...

I woke up this morning with an empty space; with a kind of lonely I hate knowing.  The sun is shining, a breeze is blowing... it's a beautiful morning... and, for just a moment, I let myself contemplate just staying in bed.  It's not like I haven't woken up alone before.  Hell, I've been doing it for years.  But it's different now.  I know the company I will be keeping for the day ahead, and she mostly lives in my head... she's the only person who's honesty can shake my soul.  She's good at telling me everything I am doing wrong, and she pokes fun at my heart, calling it stupid.  She's unforgiving and the most forgiving in the same breath, and she's also the one who talked me out of bed today.

I've been quiet through this struggle in the past weeks, knowing the defeat of angry words and refusing to let them win.  I've held my tongue in preservation of heart break.  I've held my soul close in preservation of breaking apart entirely some days.  I've also held my chin up in the face of the expectation of how I should be portraying myself, once again, staring down demons.  Learned strength really does make it easier.

I find myself staring at the line in the sand that's been drawn for me, wondering if I should tempt it all and kick dirt in it's face, forcing it backwards, or if I should just turn around, and walk away... or perhaps run.  The one in my head, well she has all the answers... none of them right.  And she thought she was so smart...