Just Give Me A Nod

I think I figured it out. "It" being what's been up my ass lately... This unsettled chaotic feeling of push and pull without any give.

I am thirty eight years old and I still don't feel like I have gotten my shit together.  Don't get me wrong.  This isn't a woe is me, self pity, crappy monolog blog about how terrible my life is.  My life is pretty awesome.  The simple fact is, I dislike things hanging in the air.  I dislike incomplete, indecisiveness - and my whole world is filled with it right now.  I feel like I am still trying to figure out life every single day, and I keep waiting for someone to nod or something when I get it right.

Let's review - I didn't get my first crack at college right (nor my second for that matter:). I didn't get my first crack at marriage right. I haven't found a job/career I truly love.  Hell, I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - but I never seem to stop growing up!  I struggle daily in a job I can't stand to pay bills (I know - story of 85% of society's life), tossing around things I might want to do - fighting in between sensible - it's what the job market demands- and what I want to do but can't afford because of the time and finance required - and who can take time out of their every day job to make a path to a new one?! Bah!

Let me tell you what I did get right - parenting.  I am one kick ass momma mia.  But even in that, some days, when I let thoughts creep into my head about change, and what I want, I can feel like a failure in about half of a split second.  I didn't have kids to make decisions about me... It's not my time to decide what's best for me.  Right?  Don't worry - I won't listen if you try to tell me differently or "if momma ain't happy...".  My life is more than just my own. Period. My decisions have three factors, sometimes more.

I rarely look back at the mess of relationships I left behind.  I really, truly do just see them all as lessons to get me where I am... and where I am is amazing.  I am crazy in love with the most glorious human being, whom I am sure, has been crafted just for me, and placed in my path with a big red shiny bow on his head - with a note that read "Go ahead now... Love.  Hugs and kisses - The Universe".  Now didn't I know better than to think that would come without a challenge? Of course I did.  The Universe put him three hours away from me, and said, "feel your soul ache... and figure out what that means..."

Shit.

I came home yesterday and said "what a peculiar feeling this is to stand in the place I have been all of my life, and yet it feels less and less like home every day".  How the hell did that happen??  Let me tell you how that happened - or shall I say, let me tell you how he reminded me this happened... "Home is where the heart is..."

Throw another ball in the air.

Why won't someone just nod?!

Just nod when I think of how to make this house better for us, or how I can handle things better.  Say warmer or colder when I toss around jobs or glance the right away at a .... dare I say... career...For goodness sakes shake your head no if I ever want another animal (this place is one monkey short of a zoo).  Nod when I've done something right... for the love of all things good... just give me the nod.

Seriously... just nod.

Pfewf... I feel better already.

Nightmares and Ease

I got caught up in a nightmare last night. (hello demons...it's been a while...)

Or maybe it was this morning.

I was trapped. Held down. Couldn't move.

I was screaming... silently at first, but willed myself to find some noise.  (when is this ever going to end)

No one could hear me.  And yet I kicked and screamed. (and no one came)

I woke up in a sweat so intense my sheets were soaked.  My body was hot with confusion and all the same but entirely different - icy in fear.


...



You told me you were having trouble sleeping, that the night is sometimes just too long...
"But", I said to you, "You sleep just fine when I am here; infact, you have peace?"
"Yes.  When you are here with me, I have ease."


I don't know that I entirely understood until whatever time it was that my world was shook, and my body filled with terror, felt your hand wrap around me...and there was ease.


For the first time, I wasn't alone when it was over...

Beyond grateful.

Still Standing

In the beginning of 365 Days of Gratitude, and through out my continued writing since, I have always taken an extreme amount of pride in people commenting on how much they appreciate how I put my feeling out there for everyone; to be related to, to be raw and somewhat fearless of judgement, to be...tangible.  Thing is, every time I open this space of writing, I have this draft sitting... not published, not put out there, hiding in the ranks. I hate that.  So tonight, I thought I'd share it. It's all part of the moving forward, after all.  It can't all be shiny all the time in the depths of the twisty insides among the demons when they roar.  This is part of it, part of me, one more brick out of the wall...

This (until now) unpublished post was written at the end of June, after a night of battling demons, and not only my own.  And today, I am more than grateful for just planting my feet, knowing what feels like home more and more every single day.



June 29, 2014

I thought today about giving up.  Just walking away...  I thought today about people who aren't ready to be part of something where love grows,  and how incredibly sad inside they are.  It's not my place to fix anymore,  I know that,  so I thought,  maybe for today,  I should just walk away...

The thing is,  my heart would break ...  And so would his.  And I don't really know right now that this over repaired heart could take it. I'm not so sure there would be any pieces to put back together.

And aren't I always good at that anyways?  Walking away so it's easier for someone else?  I wonder if it's ever going to be entirely my turn,  where it's not hard,  and I don't feel like part of me has to hide to let someone else shine.

Sometimes the biggest battles won are the ones you decide to just let go by silently, and watch the rewards in what doesn't fall down in it's path. 

Still standing. 

Onward now... go on. 

Didn't I Bring You This Far?

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan."

I just had one of those moments... those overwhelmed, need to have everything planned, how is everything going to work out, gotta make it all work... unsettled...

I would like to say I had a poetic moment of reminder; one that caressed over me like a soft summer breeze.  But the truth is, it kinda slapped me in the face like an abrupt attempt at stopping hysteria... Just let it be. Take a deep breath, and just leave it alone.  It will come to you... whatever it is that is supposed to be, it will come in it's own time...

"After all", said the Universe," didn't I bring you this far?  Just Believe."

Sometimes the hardest thing is the faith in it all.

But then again... 

...this happened when I wasn't looking. 

Someday

There's something strange here in the silence; in the place I touch where you should be laying close to me.  My hand flat, lifelessness under it instead of a beating heart and quiet breath. If I close my eyes, I can see you there... smiling.  Your eyes full with a thousand lives behind us, and just one ahead...

When you are away from me, my soul... it reaches.  It stretches to defy the boundaries of the timelessness that has wrapped us up and holds us in quiet grace.

There is a place will I meet you. Where whispers linger, and touches are gentle like an autumn breeze.  There is a time when we will not have to be without, where time's boundaries vanish like smudged lines that outline our framed existence.  There is a drink for my soul that will quench every thirst and nourish me with all of you....

It's there for the taking...

And someday we will.

Someday.

This Too Shall Pass

It's been a dark and twisty week for me.  It happens when, every day, I have to do something that eats at who I am; that consists of everything I loathe; that I ran from, swearing to never return for the good of my own sanity.  And then I remember, "this too shall pass".

This four word phrase, learned from my momma, has been the savior in all things I have been through.  I remember her saying it.. a lot.  I recall teenage heartache, or girlie fights, or trivial poor exam results, and she would say "this too shall pass".  And wedding planning panic, and child birth pain, and late night worries of a baby's cough.. and I would hear, if only in my head, "this too shall pass".  Even in financial stress... "this too shall pass".

I remember many days that consisted of thinking I wasn't going to get up off the floor, and being reminded "this too shall pass"; through shattered pieces, fear, and tears, tomorrow is a new day.  No matter what, the sun is still climbing in tomorrow's sky, and will move the hands of time regardless of what we put in it's path.  Time will pass.

As I sat at dinner tonight with my mom, I started to hear it, but I heard it differently.  This talk about my need for independence and in it defiance; security blankets; apron strings, and bricks in walls... "This too shall pass".  This leash that holds me back from what is right in front of me... "this too shall pass".

I almost wonder if she heard it too, not so differently,  in the little bit she lets go, just enough to let me fly, and how she hurts to see me want to go... "this too shall pass".

With every struggle comes relief of it all - when the time passes, and our wisdom grows.  A time where scars cover open wounds, because nothing can remain broken forever...even a fragile heart. That too, has passed.

In Love With The Night

Sometimes I wish my eyes could snap photographs and I could print out all the memories I want to hold onto... I mean tangibly, right there to revisit - hold on to.

I laid in bed watching him in the moonlight last night.  The room was blue with nightfall, moon light streaming in, and gently laying shadows across his face.  I laid my hand on the side of his face, in all of his peacefulness, knowing very well the extent of his contented heart, and in it, my own.

Even in his sleep, he smiles.

This moment, preciously, will forever be kept in my soul.  And all over again, I am in love with the night.