Dear Child

Dear Child, you are sitting on the sharp edge of teenage years.  Be careful where you stand.  Hold tight onto your dreams and be very careful to whom you tell your dreams.  There are those who will steal them away.  Hear yourself when you speak, and understand the consequences of your own voice, and understand how fragile others may be in your path.

Dear Child, I need you to understand some important things while you are molding the person you will be become.  When you have integrity, nothing else matters.  When you have no integrity - nothing else matters. No one will ever forget the person you were when you first met them, how you treated them in your time knowing them, or how you made them feel.  And I when I say they will never forget, I mean never... ever.  

Dear Child,  be very aware of your character and who you want to be.  Let only your lessons, people you have loved and those who love you take part in your transformation.  Take deep roots and reach always for sky's light.  Wear scars, but do not be hindered by pain or resentment.

Dear Child, in your lifetime, you will have enough battles of your own.  Do not take part in battles that do not concern you.  Defend what you believe in, but never believe in what you do not know to be true.

Dear Child,  in what seems like your whole world now will be so insignificant in years to come.  Please do not waste your precious time worrying about anything less than that which will raise you up.  Do not waste your words where truth is not spoken, do not do that which does not serve good, do not be less than you are for anyone.

Dear Child, time seems so slow for you, and yet so fast for me.  Understand, please, that I have once been a child too, and long for the days where someone wanted to teach me, and I didn't want to listen.

Dear Child, I hold your tears within my own, your joys in my laughter, and your love in my heart.

Dear Child... Hold on.

 Love,

 Mom.

Road Blocks

Days like today are trying...  I am watching myself be good at something I hate doing.  And while I am doing this thing that I despise all day long, I am faced with roadblocks in my path of doing something I love.

Frustrating.

I almost wondered today, if the Universe challenged my dedication to doing this thing that I love.  I said it all in my head today; "what's the point, and at my age", and "what's the sense in trying to accomplish this now? Will I ever have time to even enjoy it by the time I reach that goal?", "Do I have time?".

My day was filled with doubt, negativity, reminders of who I once was, and where I once was stuck.  By the end of it, my own negativity filled too much space in my head.  It weighed me down, it sucked my energy.


And then I read this...

The time is going to pass anyway.  I might as well have something to look forward to.  I won't be filling many more of my days with doubt... I know I can do this.  

Psychology degree... you will be mine.  One day, someone will say, "because of you, I didn't give up", and I will say in return, "what a coincidence".  

Real Perspective

My morning started before my alarm.  I was being pounced on by a dog that wanted outside.

My legs and feet are angry with me for the 8.5 km hike I did last night.

Nothing fit right. I changed three times.

The rain came down in droves.

I watched someone pretend to have a good morning through a false smile.


And still, it's half way through this day, and my reality says this:  My life is exactly right.

My day started before my alarm - I got enough sleep, and was awakened by the most loyal friend I know in need.

My muscles are sore from the path of self improvement I have chosen, and I am aware of the rewards of the hard work my body accomplished.

Nothing fit right, but I had a closet, and two dressers of beautiful clothes to choose from to find my comfort and functionality.

The rain came down in droves this morning, but I had a roof over my head, sheltered from the storm, and now the sky is blue, and the Earth is clean.

I watched someone pretend to be happy - and it wasn't me.

My life, is exactly right.... and it's only half way through the day.

Truths and Lessons

Truths and lessons may not always be the same thing.  But when they are, they are.  The Universe has a way of making one see truth through lessons.  These are some of mine. 

I didn't break you, but I can't fix you.  And that's not the same thing.

Keep your friends close...and don't bother with enemies. 

Be responsible for your actions, no one else should.

Own your decisions. 

Face your challenges head on, procrastination only makes challenges more difficult to deal with. 

Honesty is the key to getting what you want, and being proud of it. 

When one person knows your secret, more than one person knows your secret. 

Sometimes you just have to share your thoughts before they make your head - and heart explode. 

Trust carefully.  Some people simply always want to take/ruin what you have. 

Anger is a natural response to someone messing with your shit.  

Tears fill cracks in broken spaces, laughter heals them. 

Do not ask how one is unless you really care about the answer. 

Good parents always have unconditional love.  So do true friends. 

Sometimes too little too late is just that; and too late means never meant to be. 

One always has the ability to trump fate with stupidity. 

Serendipity seems to make us smarter by tool of wonder. 

Your ability to "get over" the love for someone or something truly defines it's genuine nature. 

Sometimes forgiveness is best left to God. 

Work hard, and with joy for what you want your life to be. It is, after all, your life, and living is the one thing you will do for the longest time that will seem like the shortest in hindsight. 

Never fear genuine love. There is no wall big enough to hide behind. 

No one can learn from your mistakes but you.

Decide to be a better person tomorrow.  Every day is a new chance to be better. 

Content

I am content.

That's right.

Content.

I am smiling - every single day.

I am at peace, and content.

This is what I have been waiting for.

That moment of ... ahhhhhhhhhhh....

I live with kindness, and see kindness returned.

I have sat back a bit, and watched some things around me; relationships, struggles, personal battles.  I have removed myself from many an "equation", and found more peace in not being the seeker of solutions than I do in being a "fixer".  When you are not part of the equation, you are not part of the problem.  And that is an amazing release.

And so, I exist, in peace, biding my time until my next opportunity to create happiness and joy.  I hold fast with my heart in my hands, patiently waiting to see what doors open.  Good things come to those who do good things (no, not those that wait).

"Stop doing things that cause pain, and start doing things that create happiness".  It really is just that simple.

Be content.  It doesn't mean stop living.  It just means living...with a smile.

Yes, You.

Have you ever heard something ringing in your ears, and tried to ignore it until it drives you mad?  For most people, the answer is no.  For some of us... the answer is always.

I'm brooding... and I am trying to figure out how to say what I have to say, make a point, and do it in such a way that truth rings clear, hurt is prevented, but the message is necessary and filled with love.

So here's the thing... if you think this is for you, it probably is.

Our history consists of lifetimes.  Our lifetimes consist of lessons.  We know, beyond everything else, in fact almost everyone else, we persist.  Even when we don't want to, we persist.

You and I.

Right now is your time of struggle, and I am feeling you are in a place where you are thinking I am not with you.  You are wrong.  I am.  I am also part of your lesson this lifetime.  Through thousands of years, you have sustained yourself through independence.  You have done what you have had to do to survive on your own.  You have decided you are strong enough alone.... (sounds familiar...)

This lifetime, this time, these moments, these questions, these moments of emotional weakness, are yours to learn from.  This is your lesson... it's okay to need someone.  It is your soul pushing you forward to me, but your pride holding you back.  I am going to catch you.  But first you have to fall.

Yes... you.

For lifetimes I have begged for your affection.  I have always come to you.  It's your turn.  I have learned when you were my teacher.  And with lifetimes, tables turn.  With open arms I wait for you to reach... but I can't make you.  

Yes...you.

So when you think I am not there, reach a little further.  I am. You just need to need. 

Yes, you. 

Lines In The Sand

When I was about half way through 365 Days Of Gratitude, a dear friend of mine told me she admired the way I put myself out there for everyone to read and bared parts of me I would normally hide. I was proud of it.  Well the truth is, in all this moving forward, I haven't been doing that at all.  Everything has been bottled up inside me, trying to spare feelings, or hide hurt.  It's time to stop it.  Stop. It.  I have always been very proud of learning to be true to myself.  Now is not a time that should be an exception.  So here goes... back to being me...

I woke up this morning with an empty space; with a kind of lonely I hate knowing.  The sun is shining, a breeze is blowing... it's a beautiful morning... and, for just a moment, I let myself contemplate just staying in bed.  It's not like I haven't woken up alone before.  Hell, I've been doing it for years.  But it's different now.  I know the company I will be keeping for the day ahead, and she mostly lives in my head... she's the only person who's honesty can shake my soul.  She's good at telling me everything I am doing wrong, and she pokes fun at my heart, calling it stupid.  She's unforgiving and the most forgiving in the same breath, and she's also the one who talked me out of bed today.

I've been quiet through this struggle in the past weeks, knowing the defeat of angry words and refusing to let them win.  I've held my tongue in preservation of heart break.  I've held my soul close in preservation of breaking apart entirely some days.  I've also held my chin up in the face of the expectation of how I should be portraying myself, once again, staring down demons.  Learned strength really does make it easier.

I find myself staring at the line in the sand that's been drawn for me, wondering if I should tempt it all and kick dirt in it's face, forcing it backwards, or if I should just turn around, and walk away... or perhaps run.  The one in my head, well she has all the answers... none of them right.  And she thought she was so smart...