Defeated

I am feeling defeated by own decisions today... regardless that they are all for the best.

How did I get here?

God, some times moving forward just sucks. Period.

Defeated sucks.

Tea Time

I had "tea" with my parents tonight.  I call it "tea", but it was really just a visit.  A visit, a chat, a rant...time.

There is something very therapeutic in hearing my momma call someone "bastard!" in that tone, while I watch my daddy shake his head in disappointment - again.  It makes me feel justified in my thoughts,sound and still.

And when our "tea time" is done, I always feel so much more like myself.

I came home tonight, joyful for my time, and so overwhelmed with gratitude for the unconditional love I have been taught, knowing I use the skill well.  Oh how they love me... and it never matters what I am going through.  They just love me. They just do...all the while, just letting me be me...and that's enough for their unconditional love.  It's more rare than anything else in the world that I can think of right now...

I know I passed it on to two others, and I am so proud to say I did.  I know the roots and origins of that gift, and no one can ever take it from me.  Unconditional love.  That means a love that never changes - no matter what.  No Matter The Circumstance.

Blessed. 

Balancing Acts

Ohhhhh balance... it's a tricky little game of jenga that we live.  Moving up the tower, shifting our blocks, trying to keep it all from falling over.

If you move too quickly, you start a tremor that shakes right into the core of your structure.  If you don't stack your blocks just right, you could end up with quite a mess.  It takes a gentle finesse, you see, to keep just the right balance.  It takes proper skill, stacking, and special attention to all the needs in each corner of the structure.  Try to force more weight onto a piece of the puzzle that isn't ready for it, and it's all sure to crumble, forcing you start all over from the beginning.

There's a good lesson in learning the skill.

Once upon a time, Stella may have got her groove back, but I just regained my balance.  And I am grateful. (and winning!)  

;)

Good Enough

A gentle thing happened.  I gave myself up to the Universe.  No, really.  I whispered into the night, two nights ago.  "Dear Universe... Just take care of me, whatever that is, and that will be good enough."

I will do my part; continue to be authentic and truthful.  I will be true to myself, and my heart.  I will do what I must to create opportunity for forward movement without ignoring emotion.  And the rest, I give to the Universe. Whatever the Universe has in store for me - the challenges, the accomplishments - will be, and all in it's own time.

"Just take care of me, and that is good enough"... and then I slept.  I mean really, really slept.

I woke, joyful and still.  Today, I spent time breaking the Earth in my hands, wearing the Sun on my face, breathing in the air, filling myself with peace.  The Universe is taking care of me, gently... and that is good enough.

I Am Pressed Against The Earth.

"I am pressed so hard against the Earth by the weight of reality that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet to walk"
 ~Katja Millay~

Every once in a while, I come across someone else's words that linger in my head; sing to my soul. A trip to a bookstore a few weeks back put this one in my hands. I read it over and over again, feeling it's edges rip into me. It's exactly right.

Part of the moving forward is going through the pain. There is no other to other way other than through it, and I have had a bitch of a handful of weeks of late. I took a long hard look at what's been going on, and in trying to heal from it, I have found, that I have not been authentic to myself. I have barely been letting myself feel, never mind heal. I have been wearing a mask that outwardly says I am okay. I have been smiling and nodding making my presence comfortable for those around me. When asked how I am, I politely answer "I am great, thanks".

And now, I have come to this point of true pain and in-authenticity. So just for right now, in this moment, I am going to allow myself to say it. Hell, I may even allow myself some tears while I say it. And please, if you don't want to hear it, please stop reading now. Carry on with your blissful ignorance that people can actually exist in their days with masked pain, and accept my answers when I say I am fine.

I am not okay. I am hurt. I am heartbroken, and filled with a sorrow that could drown me. Every inch of my body is feeling this crushing pain, that, even though I know I can endure, I really just want to numb. I am angry, and furious at the selfish decisions of others and the lies that plague this fragile heart of mine. I am torn apart inside feeling inadequate and silent. I am anguished by the uncontrollable motives of people who have claimed to care for me. I. Am. Not. Okay.

I escape to the places that my heart loves the most, and I have begged the Earth to please just take this pain away and make me forget this reality that me pressed so hard my feet feel like they are cemented into this place of pain. This reality needs to end...

So, please, if you are still reading this, and you really do not want to know how I am, please stop asking. The answer is bound to be "broken" for some time. Unless you are prepared to be asked which societally acceptable answer you would like in return, please stop asking me "how things are". Things are fucked - and I'm not sure what to say about it all. I don't even know what to feel about it all - betrayed? Foolish? Like I want to punch a couple of people in the face and then go get myself some ice cream?

Do not think that me sitting down to write this, opening up all parts of myself that are raw and vulnerable that I am just going to fold into a puddle of tears and evaporate, only lingering in existence. I have come too far for that. But I am going to allow myself to feel. And from it all, I will resource a power to do good; to be better. I will find that light that fills the cracks and use it to illuminate something beyond all measure, and you can see - that moving forward comes with healing, and a healed soul is capable of greatness.

I will be okay...just not today. Today I will just be human, and I really don't care if you don't like it.

It's Not My Job. I Did My Work.

So I am laying in bed, completely content with myself right now.  I don't really even know what I am going to write about.  I guess it will be a surprise for everyone.

I am laying here, purely and joyfully at peace with my evening - chuckling at situations I conjure up in my head.  I read an article tonight, brilliantly written by Graham R. White.  It's called Wait For A Man Who's Done His Work. (You can read more brilliant work here.)   Here's a couple of highlights for you:

"it's not a woman's responsibility to support a man as he discovers himself. Men don't require sympathy to grow, we actually require a push to step up"

"Today we have men struggling to define themselves and understand what Evolved women want well into their 40's. Rather than going out, doing their work and facing their fears, many men spend their energy in pursuits of escape or attempting to nurse off the emotional support of kind women. "

...and perhaps my favorite...

"It's not a woman's role to soothe a man, it's a man's role to step through his fears and learn to become decisive and courageous despite of them. This isn't cruel, it's part of what it takes for a man to define himself as an individual. "

And yes, seriously, written by a man - thank God for you, Graham R. White.

Here's what I wonder though.  If I found this "evolved man", would I find it attractive?  History says no - clearly.  But right now, today, all things considered, would I even know what to say to a man who wasn't pissing and whining about how much he has on his proverbial plate?  Would I be able to take seriously a man who had his shit together?  And what in the hell would I talk about with someone... no, wait.. a man... that knew how to communicate, with honesty, (dare I say) like an adult?  Able to give and take on an equal playing field...  

Let me tell ya what, after the week I have had, I'd love to give it a go. And, if by some small miracle, some man is reading this, thinking "geez, does she mean me?"  YES! I DO! 

This is immaculately timed reading.  I have been through the ringer this week (and yes, I will own that it was much of my own foolishness and wanting heart that lead to it all).  Lessons are abundant.  I am grateful for my true friends, and have a growing seed of anger for the pretenders.  It's all part of moving forward really.  I am done crying for and trying to hold onto people that need to hide things and lie to me.  I am done hurting at the hands of people who "love" me.  

I am also grateful for my own lesson of release.  I have spent a lot of time in tears this week.  I am not ashamed of the release so much as the foolishness that caused it.  I am glad to have let it go on my time, not harboring that pain inward to cause bitterness.  I am justified in cleansing my soul of the heartache.  I am letting go of it.  I am letting go of you while I keep myself in tact. 

Being an Evolved woman isn't always easy.  I know I am brilliant.  I know I make sense even when one doesn't want me to.  I know how to be happy.  I know how to be grateful for what I have.  And most of all, I know how to accept my life, and my choices in all it's facets.  Evolution is rewarding...even if it's lonely.

I did my Soul work... here's to finding someone one day that has done their work.  (And here's hoping I can take them seriously when the time comes).  

  

...Surprise :)  ...

Endings and Family Ties

I wrote this post a long, long time ago, when I was trying to heal, going through some dark times, trying to find some light. I was writing a series of chapters about "The Beginning" and "The End" (good ol' divorce pain and anguish).  And now as I watch people close to me going through the similar things, I thought I would share these thoughts all over again... for the healing of it. The Lesson of it? Do not get involved in that which does not concern you. Your life will be filled with plenty of battles of your own. Just move forward.


Family Ties...

It is not human nature for everyone on Earth to get along, and we certainly were not given the right to pick our family. We are given the people in our lives for reasons we have learned, or will come to learn. Our family shapes us, as humans. They determine our values, our morals, our characters. We take the traits we love and adopt them for our own. We refuse the parts of those people that make us cringe at humanity. I have done both, and with love. And in a conscious decision to shape myself, I shut out all negativity and refuse anger. I will remain in control of my own life, outside of the devises of family. I will not delve into judgement, I live in acceptance. And I wish the same for all members of my family. My wish for them is unconditional love and acceptance. If they do not know it now, I wish for them the lesson of it.

Often people forget about the families that were created in The Beginning long before The End. Love joins people, it connects their souls. We are offered up new hearts to connect to, and personalities to learn from. It is a beautiful joining in The Beginning. Two families become one. It is The End that is devastating for many families when it doesn’t need to be. I have watched families be torn apart by others Endings. It is an unnecessary travesty that human beings create out of hatred, jealousy, and revenge. It is saying “my family can beat up your family” and having your conscience be ok with it. This is your opportunity to be one of the world’s better human beings and just let it be. Let it be The End for you, and leave your family out of it – for their own protection, out of your love for them, and for yourself.

Families feel it is their right to participate in your life. They deem their opinion warranted and their ideas valid. This often causes family to get in its own way of getting out of the way. What I mean is, unless asked for help, and with careful consideration it is truly fair and right, ask family to keep judgement to themselves and solutions as a suggestion. Your Ending does not have to include them, but without careful attention, may very well. Do not encourage hatred for situations that do not include them. Family members are leaning posts, are never meant to be trees in our path that we have to manoeuvre around in order to move forward. The only person who has a right to participate in your life is you. The rest are in it by privilege and invitation.

I decided, while writing this part of my chapter, that I won’t share a story here. My End, as many others with family ties, came with much sadness. I could tell about how I packed the last of my things as the snow fell, and my mother in law stopped by with her last Christmas present of our time together, and hugged me good bye. She bought me desert bowls- enough for all of us. I could tell of the time my sister in law had a baby and I wasn’t there to hold it. I could speak of the aunts that carried on cooking bees without me, or the brother in laws that would sneak in hugs when no else was around. I could tell of holidays that carried on, the families that grew as time ticked onwards. I could tell you, but to this day, the End of the Family brings me pain. It hurts my heart, and so I will replace it with the lesson. Leave them out of it. No matter the circumstances of your End, it need be between only two. Even when they want in, even when they have anger for you, and they want to fight with protection and loyalty, beg them to stay out of it. The End is hard enough.